Well, our vow of "silence" i.e no communication, while he is on vacation in France didn't last more than 4-5 days. Then we started having chatty emails about what he was doing (did I really need to hear about the charming hike and trainride?) and what I was up to. Finally after several of these emails being exchanged that could have been between next door neighbors not involved in anything but a neighborly exchange, I wrote him and told him I was experiencing all kinds of emotions, was just letting them bubble up, acknowledging them, adn then waiting for them to simmer down. ) I didn't include a description of what I've been feeling which includes anxiety, some fear, some happiness that I have room to think, happines that he is having a good time, jealousy, longing.....all over the board)
He wrote back but didn't address that. I replied that I noticed he hadn't addressed it. He wrote back that he was trying to just be present and enjoy the time, and of course he missed me, sometimes painfully so.
I guess all this has really brought home the obvious: I'm in deep with someone who is married to another. Period. Either I'm ok with this, or I'm out. Will he leave her? I can't answer that- all I can do is speak my truth, and live with the consequences. And I think the truth for me is I can't be this close and connected to someone unless he is willing to commit to me full time. Whew! I'm gonna wait til he gets home in early August to let him know. I don't expect a thing from him--- except that he is probably not going to leave his W, and that will be the end of that.
In a wierd way, I feel better. I'll be fine with or without him. Truly.