I've been married for 13 years, not necessarily unhappily, but over the last two years we've had some rough times. For the last four months I've been having an affair with a woman several years younger than me, and it's been a disorientating mix of excitement, guilt, shame, extreme happiness, stress etc, etc, etc. I really feel in love with her (if that's possible after 4 months) and she says the same about me. But over the past month she seemed to be struggling with the relationship. She started getting jealous of my W, then really upset at me. We started fighting, and she spontaneously burst into tears on more than one occasion. The strange thing is, I was always happy to continue the affair, even though it often made me feel terrible, but as soon as my AP started having doubts it caused me to completely reassess the situation. It forced me to ask myself why the hell I was putting myself and my AP through this if it wasn't making us both happy.
Long story short, I ended the affair last week. And it's been awful. I feel so lost and alone now. I want to be a better husband and father, but I feel so bleak about going back to my marriage the way it was before the A. And I miss my AP so much! I can't stop thinking about her. I know these feelings are mostly a fantasy about what could have been (and not what really was) but the one part of the relationship that is very real is the pain of ending it.
How do I move on? How do I stop thinking about my AP and wanting to be with her? How do I recommit to my family?