This board was a huge help for me in the past and I am struggling with a situation I have. On feb 7,2007 I left my ex with 2 bags and my 11y/o son. I was 5 months pregnant with his daughter and she's now 6. I never went back to him. He's never met his daughter and after tears and promises which escalated to threats when he realized I wasnt going back, he eventually stopped calling, texting and emailing. I never knew my father growing up and I didnt want the same for my daughter. So, every now and then over the years I have emailed pictures of her. I've also asked for peace and respect in the hopes we could have a civil, platonic relationship for her sake.
Although we've never spoken on the phone since back then, he began emailing back about 2 years ago and for the most part has been reasonable and respectful. He wants to meet his daughter and she also asks for her father. My problem is that I'm not comfortable with the idea of flying there for a visit. When I first left him in '07 I set up blocks and/or safety plans to protect my children and myself. I am originally Canadian and was living the US when I ran so I headed straight back to my family and Canada. With ties in law enforcement I was able to put out bulletins so to speak as far as police, RCMP and border crossings. One of the difficulties I had though was the fact that noone could identify him by his name.
After my own investigating, I found out he was not who he said he was. This man who I planned a family and future with never gave me his real name in the 4 years we were together before our daughter. I found out his real name, actual history and other family after the fact. He literally led a double life. He had my son and I in one home and a woman and two children in another home across town. They had been together for 18 years! I know it sounds crazy and there had to be signs I ignored but there wasnt. I could never have imagined he had another family when he was literally with us 15-20hrs out of the day. I knew he had children but he never said he was still with their mother. My son and I were easy to hide because we moved there to be with him as a family and literally didnt know anyone but him. His mistake in lying to me was giving me his real birthdate and real criminal history. In reverse type searches I noticed the same name coming up and finally paid for a background check on the name and an address showed up. Because I had been to his house before, I simply google mapped the address and BOOM! It was his house, his car in the driveway and even the dog in the background. It was all visible with the satellite and street view.
I have confronted him with the information and he literally doesnt acknowledge it. We can text and email conversations back and forth about any other topic but his identity. We speak about our daughter, my life, his life, his other children, health and well being, life events etc., but God forbid we speak of his real name and life. He doesnt seem to understand the facts I have are in black & white. I think he justifies to himself that he didnt lie about being married because his state doesnt acknowledge or classify common-law marriages as valid marriage. He doesnt answer when I tell him their address history matches, or that this woman's family names him as a brother in law, or that the vehicle registrations list her with his last name, or the mortgage papers/homeowners deed has both their names on it!
Aside from ALL this info I have, he has never paid child support nor have I asked because that would reveal my current address and I'm not comfortable with that. I'm also not comfortable with taking her for a visit because of the history of abuse. I dont trust his promise to control his temper. I've said this and he became offended saying it would have to be peaceful for her sake and how could I ever think he'd hurt me?! Seriously? Arent women killed everyday by men who profess to love them?! I am truly sorry for how long this post is but I just dont understand this person. There are topics I dont bring up because I know it would cause an argument. Something like a real name should be simple to address but it feel like I have to tiptoe around it. He still believes I MADE HIM do the things he did. He still thinks everything was my fault.
Do I hold my tongue and fly down to let him meet her? Or is it really just time to stop hoping? I know I owe him nothing but I also know I owe our daughter. What do I do with this uneasiness? I have no peace regarding a visit. I feel like 'why should I bring her to u?'. I've raised her...loved her, held her, soothed her, fed her, clothed her, etc. from birth all on my own. I've done everything financially, emotionally and spiritually for her. I dont know how he justifies asking me to bring her to him. As a mother, I know I would move heaven and earth to visit her at every opportunity if she wasnt with me, why wouldnt he do the same? I just dont get it....I need advice. I'm at a loss....