I have been married for 2.5 years. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder this past July. It explains a lot of my behavior in my marriage. I saw another man while married and was having ups and downs (all while we were living separately because he is in the military). This all got explained as manic episodes. My husband forgave me and I quit my job in March 2013 and moved to San Diego to live with him when he got atationed there. This is the first time we have lived together.
He he has a lot of anger toward me. We went to counseling and it didn't help. In may 2013, while he was in Alaska for a month, I went out for a drink with a tattoo artist who had tattooed me and he drugged and raped me. The DA did not press charges because of my past of talking to men outside of my marriage And lack of evidence. My husband doesn't fully believe me about this.
We have been fighting more and more and when we fight he says things like "I'm at full liberty to smash your face in." He has said this when I have done things like lock him out foe a few minutes while he is screaming and swearing at me during a fight. My PTSD causes me not to be able to handle being yelled at. He calls me the c word when we fight. he also talks about how he wants to shoto the rapist and knows where he lives. He says he's not going to risk his job but it makes me scared. My demeanor has gotten much more stable since starting medication in July. I used to get really upset when we fought and cry hysterically.
This past friday, we got in the worst fight. I packed up and went to a hotel. He told me that I'm selfish and ungrateful and basically worthless. He went on for a half hour just yelling at me. I didn't even have a chance to respond. He said he wanted to shoot the rapist, shoot my ex in Vegas, and tie me up and watch him bash his own head in with a Hammer. But he said he wasn't going to do these thugs because he didn't want to risk his career. He then said he wanted to shoot himself. I said I was going to call the police if he said anything else. He stopped. I went to a hotel and have been there since.
Today I talked to him. He said I should come home. He said his anger toward me is justified because of all I out him through. I feel he is being verbally abusive. I do feel guitly about my behavior but I know I wasn't well. The therapist tried to explain this to him in therapy but he didn't listen. I told him I left because I was scared. He said he's not going to risk his career. He also said I don't remember things right because I'm on medicine and I'm mentally unstable. I don't feel mentally unstable at all. He seems to use it against me. I don't know what to do. he is scheduled to go underway so he will be gone all of MarCh. I don't know if we should try a separation. I saw a divorce attorney this week and could also go that route. My husband said today that I should get a job and we should stay married. I don't know what to do. I'm very confused. He has so much anger and feels it's all justified. He asked me to move to San Diego knowing about me seeing the guy in Vegas. He said he forgave me. But he is not over it. It happened fall of 2012.