I came through a messy divorce, where my husband was mean to me and my daughter. I met and moved in with a lovely man (also divorced). We have been together two years and throughout this time his ex-wife has been manipulative and mean and nearly drove us apart many times.
His ex had an affair which caused the end of their marriage. She moved on three weeks after he left (despite being 'suicidal') with a new boyfriend and moved in and bought a home with him six months later. My partner pays everything for their kids despite having no money for himself, and she has a full time job. Her new boyfriend is equally generous and by rights she should have a happy life. But she has caused all sorts of problems. We went to see a counsellor over a year ago, who even as an independent person pointed out her maniplative and controllling ways. Despite this, my partner has held several confidences with his ex - which she shared with her friends and always gets back to me. An example was that I had to move overseas ahead of my partner and asked him to not let her come between us while I was out of the country. He did see her for parents night etc (which is of course fine), but what let me down was on the advice of a friend he secretly arranged to meet her for a walk in the park to get 'closure'. He hid it from me until I found out from her friends, that she was embarrased he offered a walk in the park - expecting he should be taking her for a fancy dinner after their time together. I find it difficult to understand what closure they need 18 months after break up when they have both been living with other people for over a year. She tells everyone I am a bad mother and gossips about us a lot in public. Again she asked my partner for extra money (despite their legal maintenance agreement, and he gave it to her and told her not to tell me as financial things were difficult between us, as I had been paying a lot of our bills during his divorce). Again she told all her friends using this as an example of how I am mean, and how our relationship was shaky. These types of things happened several times until I think the penny dropped with my partner, and he has limited his communication with her for last two months. I am still struggling to overcome these issues after a year of this nastiness despite their being some peace for the last two months.
Another issued has cropped up. My partners youngest (16) coming to visit us. Recently her godmother (friends with my partners ex) came to dinner. During dinner she said that women with careers were selfish and their children always end up drug addicts or school drop outs (despite knowing I am a successful business woman). I was very very upset that my partner allowed someone to talk to me like that. It seems a great coincidence she said the same things my partners ex has been saying. We agreed we would spend no time with her. However he asked his youngest if she would like to see her godmother during her visit (she has very infrequent contact - probably years since she last saw her). I'm very upset about this. I can't understand how my partner would want to spend any time with someone who treated me that way, especially after having to endure his wife's nastiness towards me for the last year, and her calling me a bad mother.
I am feeling really sad. I have known my partner for a long time, and I and everyone knows he is a good mad. He doesn't like conflict or upsetting people, so I understand why he might want to make this work for his daughter (although I think if he avoided it all together it would not have been a very big deal for his daughter). I know he wants us to get married and settle as a family, and I loved him so much. However I am feeling very let down that he would want to spend time with this women who was so mean to me in my own house, regardless of the circumstances, and very let down that he did not do more to protect me and / us from his ex (given she was happy with someone else).
I am really confused, and unsure what to think. Please help.