I feel like I am really spiraling. I'm almost finished with my 2ww. I will test on Friday (blood test#, but I've already taken the POAS tests. I am embarrassed to admit how many. I had a egg donor transfer last Saturday. At first, I felt so bouncy and full of life. I was sure it was working / would work. Now, I don't feel confident at all and the test this morning was BFN.
I have had tears in my eyes all day. I said mean things to my DH... even blamed him that we waited so long to start trying. I told my Mom that if I don't have a baby I have no life -- that I can't live the way I have been feeling so empty. On top of infertility disappointment, I have severe endo that is so painful. I also have interstitial cystitis. So, I live in chronic pain. My doc talked to me about a hysterectomy, but I've held off waiting a baby. I've had three surgeries for my endo in less than 4 years.
For two years, most of my life has been spent doing very little. I rarely see my friends or go out. I work from a home office. I typically don't feel well enough to do much of anything and on top of the physical pain, of course I go into these cycles of depression.
I have been saying that as soon as I have a baby, I can have the hysterectomy and will feel better. BUT if this donor cycle doesn't work, we have 4 embies frozen. If that doesn't work, will we call it quits? How can I do that? How can I give up on my dream of a family? Yet how can I continue to live in this pain and keep trying? I'm running low on time, money, and optimism.
I sound so down and bitter. I hate being this way.
Almost everyone I know has a child and it has been so easy for them. Like snapping fingers or turning on a remote.
How can I lead a fuller life while trying? How can I lead a full life is I can't become a Mom? #DH will not adopt... it's something we agreed to years ago). How can I keep my wits about me?
I feel broken.
Thanks for listening.
Has anyone gotten a negative pee test and then had a positive blood test? Does that ever happen?
Thanks for welcoming me here,
With my husband since 2000. TTC since 2004. I have endo and have had 3 laps. Also have IC. One miscarriage in 2008. Completed egg donor transfer in 8-09 and waiting for results. Holding breath!
I joined this board to find more people like me, to bond, to grow, to learn, and to share.