Hi all,

I'm Karen (34) married to DH, Brian (33), and we have been TTC #1 since October 2004. I'm by no means new to the boards...just have always pretty much lurked around this one. We were beyond blessed with Eliana, our 10 month old daughter, through the gift of adoption last September.

Our journey has been long and ugly, and right now is the absolute worst. After my 6th surgery in 5 years (thanks to stage 4 endo that was initially missed by my dumb#%^ RE and found by my new doc) and severe adhesions, I'm now facing a total abdominal hysterectomy w/bilateral oophorectomy next month (3 days after Ellie's 1st birthday). I...am...a WRECK.

After all of the pain, all of the ER trips, all of the surgeries, all of the missed work, tears, breakdowns, counseling sessions, hopes and then crushed hopes...after ALL of this crap...it ends like THIS?! I know we have Ellie, and I would never ever ever trade her for anything in the world. But parenthood through adoption and parenthood through pregnancy are two different journeys. And right now, I am mourning the loss of my dream of pregnancy...and I'm not doing well at ALL. My depression is at an all time low, which is feeding serious anxiety (b/c of complications after my last major surgery - aka, 11 & 1/2 laparotomy in '08), which is feeding into more depression... its vicious circle that I can't get away from. And GOD, I wish I could get away from it...from me...from life in general. Its so scary to have these thoughts, and I don't know what to do with them. I don't expect any answers, but I do appreciate you letting me come here to vent and get it all out.

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