I had a hard day today, ladies, and need some cheering up. As many of you know, I spent a few weeks in Ghana at the beginning of this summer leading a group of my students on a study abroad trip. While I was there, I bought two little sundresses for baby girls that are in bright, pretty West African prints. I bought one for a colleague who was about to have her baby girl and one for a colleague's wife who is due this Monday. It was hard to do, but I thought it would be a sweet gesture. Well, since coming home and still not being pregnant, I've put off wrapping up the gifts. But with one of the babies now 6 weeks old and one about to be due, I knew I needed to do it. So I got some pretty pink bags with cute flowery tissue paper and packaged them up, and then I wrote cards to both the women, who frankly, I am insanely jealous of. Those little notes were so painful to me. I thought I would be pg by now and I felt so emotionally raw congratulating them on something I so strongly crave for myself. So I delivered those today and was feeling a bit better about getting that done. Then I was walking on campus and saw a very young student walking around pg as can be, and I got sad again.
So I shook that off, and went to a meeting and one of the other faculty members that I don't know well came in, with a gloriously pg belly. I got tears in my eyes. I have to brace myself for being around pg women, and since I didn't know she was pg, I wasn't ready to be in a room with a pg woman. Everyone was congratulating her and someone mentioned the baby boom in our program- the 2 women who I gave gifts to today are associated with this program, one of the other women had a baby last year, and now the newly pregnant. I felt like such an outsider, like I don't belong to one of the world's biggest clubs. I have nothing to contribute to their conversations and I have no experience that relates to theirs. It was so hard and I felt so empty when I left. I wonder what my breaking point will be, and what will happen after that? I feel so scared not knowing how this will end.
It seems a lot of us are going through a rough patch right now. I wonder if it has to do with in part with the end of another season. I sort of chunk my life up by season, and I know I've thought more than once, "maybe this season is when I will get pregnant." So now another season is over, and many of us are still looking for our BFPs.