Hi everyone. I am really in need of friends/conversation so I thought I would come here. I don't even know where to start. I didn't want to respond to anyone else's posts because I feel like I'm giving advice and I hate that feeling. I am troubled by feeling dishonest in every aspect of my life, and I feel like what is the point in living if you are so completely dishonest. I'm not suicidal, I just am very tired of living a lie. At the core of my struggle is that I have 2 children that were born of relationships that were a lie (I didn't love the men but pretended I did because I was so lonely and then had their children and kept them and raised them myself). I have loved my children and been a great mother in many ways, but I have a feeling of dishonesty about these children that will not leave me. My children are preteens now, so this is not some new thing. I definitely do the best I can and have done everything in my power to provide a good life for them. I have gotten so much joy from them. But again, I sometimes feel that our personalities aren't really that well aligned because I never truly connected with their fathers, and I truly do not feel a deep connection with my children. I feel like I will never be at peace because this huge part of my life is based on deep, dark lies I told so many years ago. I am crying and shaking right now as I talk about it, though I have never told this to anyone. I also feel like I am lying in my job. I actually have a great job and I love many aspects of it, but in an essential way I sort of despise it and feel like I cannot be myself in it. It is painful. At the same time, it really is a dream job in many respects and there is no way I would give it up. I also am currently separated but still close to my "husband" whom I have come to be secure with but who I don't really feel I am myself with. In fact in marrying him I felt like I was basically committing suicide because to be with him required me to be not my best, essential self. We have a pending divorce, but in the meantime I keep up the appearance that I love him and the only reason I am leaving is because of his children.
So I don't even know what to do. I have to continue to be my children's mother. I have to continue working. I just don't know where and how I can start being honest/start being who I really am. I thought perhaps by being honest here I could at least start to be honest in my life. I am writing to this board because a) I've been here before and like the posts and b) I think the lack of honesty is partly a self-esteem issue.
Thank you for listening.