People, people, people gggrrrrrr
A woman I hardly know was very rude and horrible to me yesterday, I can now see she is a classic bully, I haven't been spoken to the way she spoke to me in a very long time. I couldn't sleep last night as I was so upset and anxious about it (I still have to see her). I went from being in a good mood to a terrible one today, I know I let people get to me too easily.
Hmmmm I don't know what this is all about but I guessed that sharing with others may help.
Now it seems to me that most people of my age have a few close friends.
I find friendships/relationships REALLY really hard, in fact I am constantly anxious about other people, someone who has said something now or in the past plays on my mind all the time.
I get hurt very easily, I think as a result of a*use I have become super independent. I can feel happy and good about myself then someone comes along with their negativity and I am back in land of self doubt and hurt and pain.
I feel hurt and betrayed by most people in my life. The betrayal is much stronger from my family and I find it hard to cope with not having a 'normal' set-up. I would never dream of going to my mother or brothers for support as they have not given it up until now and they end up doing more damage than good.
With all the baggage from childhood, I have avoided romantic relationships for a large part and concentrated on building platonic friendships. During therapy I have come to realise that I have been more prone towards controlling people (which would make sense as both father and mother controlling).
Being close to controlling, manipulative people has caused a huge amount of heartache and pain, but I didn't see the pattern before therapy. I have got involved with people I haven't really wanted to but get dominated easily, or if someone shows me the slightest sign of being nice, I am hooked (guess I am quite needy).
As my family didn't treat me in a good way, I feel starved of love and affection which makes me vulnerable and then I go looking in all the wrong places to feel better about myself. Getting older I understand people can be nice to me but it doesn't mean they are a good person or will treat me well. I seem to be a victim over and over again and the pattern is wrecking my self esteem.
I have felt very unfulfilled by my relationships, I give a lot and yet feel I get so little back and yet the only types of people that do give back turn out to be very controlling.
Due to my vulnerability (and wanting to feel like I 'belong' somewhere) I have turned to alsorts of people and groups for support. This has turned out to be disastrous, I have re-abused quite a few times over and over again. My self esteem has been badly damaged, but I get so desperate at times.
One thing that really hurt was while I was ill last year and all this CSA was coming up, no-one, not one single person really supported me which considering all I have given out to others over the years makes me feel sad and disillusioned. I can't turn to my mother, do not have a sister and have had to let go of certain friendships due to them being toxic.
This has left me feeling very alone and isolated. To some extent I probably have isolated myself as have had depression in the past, but I guess as I am trying to feel better about myself it doesn't help if trying to do it all alone.
I have moved around the country a lot and most friends are in relationships but I do feel they only there for the good times. It's so frustrating not understanding why I don't have the closeness and intimacy I really want.
However I get stressed out by people a lot, I am sensitive and take things to heart very easily. Today I just felt like I could really do without having to mix with people all together as they just cause me heartache and pain, I was in this vibe that 'people are just selfish and only out for themselves, it's pointless feeling hopeful that things will ever change'
I really don't understand what healthy relationships are, or what it's like to having loving, supportive friends (there have been times when I have been close to people but I feel they brought me down or treated me badly so I give up on them and move on)
Has anyone else felt like this, I just don't understand why I act, feel and behave the way I do.
It's so frustrating to have such difficulties getting and STAYING close to people.
I guess a problem I have is always looking on the outside for someone to help me feel better. I also feel like no-one really understands me, like I am always the outsider.
Thanks for reading