I posted a couple of weeks ago about a body memory I was having. I thought I was remembering my mother trying to strangle me in the crib. I think I was right.
I wrote a post to Fluppet last night where I told her how enraged I was when the worst of my memories came back. I was in the hospital for about 6 weeks as a part of my brain tried to stop me from remembering. I was suicidal and self-destructive. They kept having to put me either in seclusion or in restraints. I was tearing myself apart physically and emotionally. I could hear my dead mother yelling at me all the time. My dead father was telling me how to kill myself in the hospital(surprised the staff). After 4 weeks of emotional hell I hit my 35th birthday. I remembered on my birthday because it happened on my birthday. I had to be kept in 4 point restraint for hours, on 24 hour watch and they even called my therapist and asked her to come to the hospital. They feared they might lose me if she didn't as I only trusted her.
The memories came and I finally realized who I needed protecting from. ME. If either of my parents had been alive that day I would have killed them with my bare hands. I could feel myself strangling them. It was my own anger I had to be protected from.
Since writing that yesterday I've had more body memories and sensations. I know she tried to strangle me. That's why I wanted to strangle her.
Like many here, we feel at times like we want to kill our perpetrators. I used to fantacize about what I'd do to my father and my uncle. But my mother was always strangling her. I had to put my hands on her and feel her die. Why???? I never understood why. Now I do.
This may be the last of the bad memories that I need to remember and I think the birth of my granddaughter last year is what has stimulated this. Seeing this tiny helpless baby in her crib, fast asleep is what started it. My T says the Cymbalta contributed. It has caused incredible dreams for me that have turned to nightmares. It has become so disruptive of my sleep that I am going off if it. Two weeks to go and I'm through. But I am grateful for the help it gave me when I needed it. I can cope with the health problems and memories now.
None of us wants to remember but it does get easier. You get to know when they are coming and that they can't threaten you anymore. I just follow them down the path they lead until I get to the end and remember.
I feel sorry for my mother. I suspect she suffered from post-partum depression. I did and so did my sister so working it backwards, I imagine she did too. And I was born 6 years after she had 3 kids in 4 years so her body was not ready for another baby at 37. And she was abused too. I wonder what she would have been like if she'd been able to get the help I've gotten.
gentle hugs to everyone tonight.......JennyB