I have noticed something of late that since I started 'therapy' I seem to be overwhelmed with negative feelings.
I genuinely think I must have numbed or 'dissasociated' 27 years of my life, now it all comes back and it get's triggered by going on Facebook and seeing people from my past.
I seem to have become addicted to Facebook but it makes me feel awful, I see people getting married and having children and parties and I compare my life and it's so embarrasingly sad. All I seem to do is criticise myself and tell myself how worthless I am, I internalise so much.
I know I should stop going on Facebook, but I can't seem to help it. I try and make the effort with people but maybe it doesn't seem to be reciprocated. I still feel so badly let down by people and supposed 'friends' who haven't supported me during the bad times I have had over the past 3 years, I guess resentment is a block but how can I release it and make way for the new people?
Also I feel like everyone in the world has more friends than me, with the onset of these new feelings, I get tonnes of painful loneliness too. I never really felt an outcast before, but now I do so much, it's like all my feeling are catching up with me and I wonder if it will ever end.
I know therapy is supposed to make you feel better but my confidence is worse than it's ever been, in fact for the 18 mths of therapy there have been many times I have wanted to give up. My self esteem seems to be showing no signs of getting better, what is that all about?
I long to have a best friend and a group of friends of my age and who live in my area, I really feel like the odd one out.
So the two issues causing me most trouble is loneliness and low self esteem.
Fluppet x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x
Edited 3/2/2009 9:13 pm ET by fluppet