It's coming up on 2 weeks I've been dealing with these and I've only made it to the gym once (yesterday) since this all began. My eating it a hair shy of out of control again, I'm going back to my binge eating on chips and high-fat foods again. I purchased 2 Enell sports bras right before all of this hit and I've only used them for working out ONCE. I ordered the largest size they have and they're still very difficult to clasp when I put them on. OMG! These are MADE for bigger women and I'm too fat for them?? I think I'd like to scream.
With that as my intro, here's a warning that this is going to most likely be a VERY long post. I've vented to friends, I've ranted in two separate blogs I have, I've cried to my husband and I've screamed into my pillow. Nothing has helped. My motivation to lose this weight is gone but I still hate the woman I see in the mirror. My physical energy is drained due to my emotional and mental state since this all started to occur. I'm so tired all of the time but when I lay down to sleep my brain goes into overdrive. I'm at my wits end and my pride is out the window. I usually like to keep my private life as private as possible but I need support, insight and advice right now. Also, please forgive me if it's hard to follow. A lot of this events require knowing the story behind it to understand so I'll be backtracking a bit.
On the afternoon of August 23rd, my husband was served paternity/child support paperwork. His ex apparently filed for food stamps or medicare for the child and DCF is required to attempt to find the father to provide so they don't have to (amongst other reasons obviously but I'm a little perturbed about this whole thing). As if this event wasn't bad enough in and of itself, let me explain how our day had been up to that point. We already had to get up early to take my car into the shop so we decided to just stay up all night (we're night owls anyway so we wouldn't have gone to bed before 4am regardless) and catch a nap later in the day.
After dropping off the car, we had to go shopping for a new bed. For the first 5 months of the year we were fighting a pretty nasty infestation of bed bugs. In the process we ended up having to throw away our good bed because there was a nest on it, in addition to several irreplaceable framed pictures and my wicker nightstand. Thankfully my old bed (the good one was DH's) was still out in the shed so we've been using it. Well that one is almost 10 years old and about a month after we started using it, the box spring broke. We were now sleeping on a mattress directly on the floor and it wasn't working out well. DH and I both have bad backs (mine is lower back, his is spinal) so it was time to spend the money we didn't have to get a new bed.
The salespeople we encountered at these mattress places would've tested my patience on a day I was fully rested. Having no rest time and running on caffeine and sheer determination alone, I was done after looking at 3 places. These people, I kid you not, made car salesmen look timid. Once done with that and having a better idea what we wanted, we came home to try to catch that nap. I turned on my laptop to check our finances only to watch my monitor fizzle out and go black forever. For those of you keeping count, this is item #3 on the list of money about to be spent... and ALL IN THE SAME DAY! The one saving grace we had is that my laptop has a port for a monitor hookup so it was still able to function temporarily. But once it was hooked up, I was now shopping for a new laptop.
We figured we weren't going to be sleeping so we went out to lunch and, shortly after we came home, the mailman knocked on the door and served DH with the paperwork. We spent the next two hours until the auto shop called just trying to let it sink in and make sense of the document, especially since this girl told him he was NOT the father before he started making plans to move down here to marry me. (This was in West Virginia. We're in Florida.) There's a lot more to that whole story but I honestly don't think I have the strength to rehash it right now. Suffice it to say, there's a lot of holes in the information we know about it and certain things about it aren't adding up.
We've already sent out the required reply letter and gotten confirmation it was received. Now it's a waiting game until we get more information from the system up there but I would assume the next step is for DH to get tested for the paternity like he requested. With this being a legal matter, we're looking at a long, rough road ahead and I'm scared to death that our marriage won't survive it. We're both stressed out and, while the cause is the same, there are two different effects on us. Him being the possible father and me as his wife. It's already been rough when we talk about it because we're seeing it from two different viewpoints. But I know he really needs me right now so I've mostly bottled up the stresses and frustrations I have on the subject.
Adding to all of that, we're moving on October 1st and don't have a clue where yet. More issues have come up on my car that had to get repaired yesterday, I'm still having a great deal of trouble with my knees and now I have an impacted tooth that's causing me no end to pain but I don't have the health insurance anymore to get it taken care of.
I'm so sorry this was such a whiny post but I'm so frustrated right now and I don't know what else to do.