Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with "muzac" in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting "nick nacks".
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it's more of a smirk.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Bad juju today. Stay well clear of West African carved figurines.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will have a dream tonight, in which you are standing on the shore of an inky black river in grey twilight. An old man wearing a black cloak will appear, poling a rickety old boat up to you. He will demand payment to ferry you across, but it will turn out he doesn't accept American Express.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Another day of social convention defiance, today. You'll refuse to wear clothes in the "normal" fashion (if at all), and you'll begin all your business correspondence: "My Darling Snookums:".