I found some of my dd baby clothes today. A time in her life that I knew her before autism. I remember her being able to smile and coo at me. I remember her at a year old in love with "Elmo" and saying some words.
I hate autism. I hate how it has destroyed so much. It's like a plague that never goes away.
I can't deal with it today. I have tears streaming down my face. I couldn't go to church tonight because I just couldn't deal with life today.
Do you have a hard time with pictures? Looking at the past? I stopped doing my picture albums not long after our dx at age 2. I used to take such care with each one. Scrapbooking and decorating the pages. And now most of our pictures sit in a "box".
Every time I look at them it reminds me of the past and for some reason I just want to keep "blocking it out". Sure today she is sooooooooo much better than the day I went in to just sign her up for speech therapy (I thought) and came out with my baby in arms and my dd hand in hand walking across the parking lot stunned at the fact that they said the word Pervasive Development Disorder and autism. I kept feeling like my body was moving and my mind was somewhere else.
How do you get past it and back to the "memories"? How do you get over the hurt feeling without running away?
Well, sorry. I don't know. I just had to get this out. Nobody in our family with all their "normal kids" understand. They just think all I do is see my dd like she is broken. But what are you supposed to do when your kid IS broken?
I'll stop now. I'm sorry.