Found Love, Lost Friends

I met my boyfriend about a year ago, and we like to spend a lot of time together. I used to go out with a group of single people, and I thought that some were actually good friends. But after I started going out with my boyfriend, those people stopped including me in outings. I tried to call them a couple of times, and they sounded friendly enough on the phone, but after that I never heard from them again. Should I just give up and admit to myself that it's a one-sided effort to keep the friendship (if there ever has been friendship), or should I try again? -- scrufficat

Question:

Dear Scrufficat:

One big mistake people who are newly in love make is talking about their relationship incessantly. That is a complete turnoff, especially to single people. It's as though the person in the relationship suddenly defines herself solely as an appendage of her new amour. And basically, that's a drag.

Could you have perhaps alienated your friends by making them feel like the second (or third or fourth) fiddles when your boyfriend first came into your life? Even if you don't think you did, give your friends the benefit of the doubt and try calling them one more time. Make it a point to be especially interested in the events in their lives. Ask questions, and really listen to the answers. Squelch any urge to rattle on about your happy relationship. Suggest getting together and see how that goes. You might see a difference when you focus on them instead of your good fortune. Making time for someone else is more than just a few minutes counted on a clock. It means really concentrating your energy on the other person and on your friendship.

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