Frequently Asked Questions about Fantasy

You've mastered the sexual basics, and you're ready to up the naughty ante and experiment. But before you introduce the thrill of fantasy to your bedroom, there are three main things you need to know:

How to Suggest It

Plan A: Wait until you're both feeling relaxed and intimate, then say you had an amazingly sexy dream last night. Tell your partner what happened in the dream (which is actually your fantasy) and gauge his reaction. The more detail he asks for, the more interested he is in giving it a go. So take his enthusiasm as your cue to confess it's actually been a fantasy of yours for ages.

Plan B: Rent a film with a scene that features or resembles your fantasy. Watch his face as it's playing. Does he look intrigued or horrified? If he's watching avidly, snuggle up sexily and say, "How hot is this?" If he's joining in and looking at you mischievously, move in for the kill.

Watch Video: Sex Dreams

Plan C: Buy your lover a sex book with a fantasy theme as a present. If he's shy, let him read it alone first before asking him to tell you his favorite parts. If he's secure sexually, stick Post-it notes on the pages or pictures that particularly appeal to you.

What If He Rejects Me?

Sharing fantasies is risky business, particularly if they involve extreme sexual behavior. You might know the sexy story you play in your head (the one with you and the local priest on an altar) is nothing but imaginative fun, but it can sound ominous when spoken out loud. Fantasies are intensely personal and if you've had them for a while, chances are their initial shock value has been diluted. But if a fantasy of yours involves things like sleeping with other men, "fake rape," some kind of swinging or S&M, you need to accept that your partner could be stunned initially. "Kinky" and "perverted" fantasies are commonly used to fuel our imaginations, but it's a rare person who wants it to become reality. Even sharing some fantasies, without any urge but to tell, can be disturbing for some people. So start with "safe" scenarios, then get increasingly more risqué as your comfort level rises.

The Rules

  • You don't have to translate the fantasy literally; symbolism is often all you need. Have an anal sex fantasy that he's not particularly into? Imagine that's what you're doing while you and your guy are having vaginal sex from behind. The idea is to create enough of the fantasy to indulge your imaginations, so you can pretend it's the real thing.
  • Lavish, expensive toys and costumes aren't necessary, but the more effort you make, the better it usually is. Plus, shopping for props can be a fun part of the naughty anticipation. Also, try using music to set the scene and different rooms of your house to suit various scenarios.
  • Try to choose fantasies that appeal to both of you, particularly first time round.
  • Work out the scenario together beforehand. Often that's just as much a turn-on as acting it out. You'll also find yourselves going down detours, discovering fresh delights for next time.
  • Be specific about how in-character you want each other to be. For some people, slipping back into their usual selves, even for a minute or two, destroys the illusion.
  • Don't worry if you laugh. Just keep going and trust that lust will overtake the laugher once you start getting into it.
  • Work out an agreed "stop now" signal before starting. Make your "stop" word something that isn't ever likely to be used as part of the role-play, such as "orange."
  • Make sure there are no children or roommates around so your privacy is guaranteed.
  • Don't be scared to start the fantasy in public. Some fantasies ‑- like sex with a stranger ‑- lend themselves to the two of you meeting up in a bar before the real action starts.
  • Threesomes, foursomes and moresomes frequently end in disaster due to jealousy problems. Role-play instead by inviting a few vibrators and dildos into your bed, along with a blindfold. It feels like you're making love with more than one person, without the consequences of actually doing it.

    Ready to take it to the next level? Check out my step-by-step how-to guide for acting out the three most common female fantasies.

    Missed one of Tracey's columns? Read them all here. Check out Tracey's Love Bytes video series here.

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