Get Advice about Overcoming Divorce

Get Advice about Overcoming Divorce from Therapist Barbara De Angelis

By Diana Shepherd provided by Divorce Magazine - January 10, 2003

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One of North America's leading relationship therapists shares her secrets for living a life full of joy and passion.
Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D., is a popular television personality, sought-after motivational speaker, and the author of bestselling books such as Real Moments, How To Make Love All the Time, and Are You the One for Me? Through her work, Barbara has reached millions of people with her positive messages about the search for meaning in our lives. Here, her answers to questions about life, love and divorce:

Stop Putting Off Your Happiness

Q: Could you tell us a little about your seminars?

A: My goal is to give people an experience that's motivating and inspiring enough for them to take the next step in their spiritual transformation. So whether they're single and they're coming to try to understand more about themselves, or whether they're in a relationship they know could be better -- whoever they are, for whatever reason they've come -- they will spend a few hours focusing on themselves. Because they took that time, they'll walk out feeling empowered and ready for the next change.

Q: Many separated or divorced people seem to be deferring their happiness until they achieve certain goals, like "I'll be happy when my divorce is finalized," or "when I get custody of the kids," or the big one: "when I finally meet that one person in the world who's totally right for me." Do you think there's a problem with postponing happiness?

A: They're wrong, that's the big problem! The "I'll be happy when..." syndrome -- postponing your happiness until some outside event or occurrence changes your life forever -- is one of the biggest ways we sabotage our happiness. The truth is that happiness is not an acquisition, it's a skill. It's not about what you get or experience -- it's the way you live your life every day. And you can get the things you thought would make you happy -- whether it's a house, a job, a husband, the kids -- and you're not going to be any happier because happiness isn't dependent on the outside. Otherwise, every person who ever achieved a goal would be walking around deliriously happy the rest of their lives, and that's not the way it is. The truth is, there always seems to be another thing standing between us and happiness -- "I know I'm married again, for the second time, but now I want to get pregnant..." It's never ending, because the things that give us true happiness -- what I call "real moments" -- have nothing to do with what's on the outside.