Get a new sex attitude!

At night I'm always too tired (although I don't work), have a headache or just don't want to have sex. But my hubby seems to want to have relations every night. I feel awful not wanting to fulfill his desires, but sex has no appeal for me. Please help! What can I do to change my attitude? --M

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Dear M:

My first suspicion is that perhaps you are suffering from a mild to moderate form of clinical depression. If your feelings of tiredness are paired with an intermittent or constant sense of helplessness or hopelessness on a daily basis, you probably need mental health relief. If you suspect this to be the case, consult a competent psychologist or M.D. to evaluate your condition. With all the marvelous prescription drugs available today, no one should have to bear this emotional burden. Another insight is that perhaps you have settled into a life of inactivity. Be sure to get your body active in some form of aerobic exercise, just to make sure that the engines are running on all cylinders.

Your lack of desire for sex may also be a result of a hormonal imbalance. Consult with your gynecologist about this possibility, or get expert input from an endocrinologist. Being in balance hormonally -- especially having ample testosterone in your body -- may kick you back into gear for sex and intimacy.

Your comment about your husband's desire for sex as his nightcap makes me think of the movie Annie Hall, when Woody Allen's character says to his shrink, "Yeah, she never wants sex -- only about three times a week." Next you hear Diane Keaton's character say to her shrink, "Yes, he always wants sex -- about three times a week." This is the perfect example of uneven sexual desires. If you can, talk about this with your partner. Try to find a sexual frequency that works for both of you, which will help you reestablish your marital bond in bed. Sometimes when a couple shares intimate, nonphysical times together or when they rekindle the spark by simply touching in a sensual and caring manner, the sexual part reappears. I am a strong advocate of letting your body be your guide. Try touching one another for the sheer sensation of it -- perhaps by exchanging therapeutic or erotic massages -- to determine if the sexual connection that you once felt is still there, lying in the embers, and just needs to be reignited.

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