Getting Comfortable with Sex after Date Rape
Dear Dr. Patti:
I was date-raped four years ago. I am now involved in a healthy relationship. My boyfriend is a very sexual person, and I am still very shy and nervous when we are intimate. He is very understanding and says that we don't have to have a sexual relationship, that it would not change the way he feels for me. He senses the instant that I get nervous and does not want me to feel uncomfortable. I want to overcome this shyness and be able to have fun in bed. How can I do this?
L
Dear L:
First, you are already on the road to recovery with your willing and positive attitude. Being date-raped -- sexually forced by someone you know -- is a hideous, potentially scarring event. It is just as traumatic as stranger rape. In fact, the statistics on date rape stagger the mind. Did you know that almost one in four women experiences date rape or acquaintance rape during her lifetime? If you include all types of unwanted sexual activity, not just sexual intercourse, that rate increases to one in two.
One of the keys for healing from a sexual trauma of any kind involves following certain steps. Find a trusted counselor or guide to help you through the process. Read and otherwise learn about how others have suffered and overcome their pain. Talk about it as much as you can, to get those demons out into the light. Peer support groups may be the most powerful vehicles for that. The more you suppress those deep-seated painful memories, the worse they become. With all emotional healing, letting it all out and acknowledging the truth about what happened is part of the process of recovery. Finally, and this is the remarkable part, forgiving the perpetrator AND yourself is essential for the healing to fully manifest. Finding the courage to forgive takes time and determination. But until you take that step along the way, you will never be free. So know that that is your salvation.
When your mind and heart are ready, your body will respond accordingly. Only then will it be time to resume sexual sharing with your new loved one or someone else. I sense that he's the one for you: kind, gentle, understanding, patient and loving. You are lucky to have found this healing force for your sexual journey. Now take those steps and see the end in sight.
Resources:
Crisis Center: Rape, Stalking and Suicide
Dr. Patti: Recovering from a Sexually Abuse Past
