Giving oral pleasure: How to do and enjoy it

I've been married for many years and have never given my husband oral sex . Lately it's something I'd like to do for him. I've asked him to tell me how to do it, and he did. But I still can't get my brain to let go and just do it. --iVillager G

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Dear G:

Let me commend you at the start for wanting to jump out of the old mold and join the ranks of the sexually courageous. Yes, it does take courage and some sound ideas for breaking your own patterns to become skilled at something you have never done before. I know that with some input from me and a little guidance from the object of your desire, you will reach your new sexual goal.

The trick about giving oral pleasure to a man is twofold: You have to feel confi-dent and skilled at what you do, and you will find it most successful when you, the giver, find pleasure in your actions. I know that for some women the concept of actually enjoying administering oral sex to a man is foreign, but let me assure you that once you allow your mind to eroticize giving pleasure as a way to sexually stimulate yourself, you will never want to stop. Okay, so I may be a bit zealous, but it's true that most women who do not enjoy fellatio (oral sex on a man) have not tuned in to their own pleasure receptors and, therefore, miss the feelings of arousal that so often emerge during this sexual connection.

Overcoming Your Fears
For example, one of my clients -- I'll call her Margie -- used to choke every time she performed oral sex on her husband. After rehearsing positive messages to herself (such as "It gives me pleasure to see my husband so turned on by this ...") she began to reverse the shame she used to associate with performing oral sex and instead start enjoying it. Before that happened, however, she also practiced. Using a penis-shaped sex toy (yes, a banana will work too), she gained self-confidence and tested some tricks and strategies using a variety of strokes and pressures. After about two weeks of secret sessions alone, she felt more at ease doing it for real on her husband. She also found an enjoyable way to get over her fears about his being "dirty" by setting up showers as a part of their prelude to having intimate sex. Their journey and success is not rare -- any truly intimate relationship requires taking risks and learning new skills to keep it alive and fresh.

 

If you want to gain oral sex mastery and let go of your fear of being inadequate, start by reading my friend Lou Paget's Kiss Your Way to Better Sex Love Lesson. Week Four -- Making Oral Sex Better -- is the one for you. To truly become a virtuoso, pick up a copy of her book How to Become a Great Lover. Also, get yourself a copy of the video Complete Guide to Oral Lovemaking (it's available at my site). In it are more than 50 ways to give a man oral pleasure. Lastly, be sure to ask the expert who goes to sleep right next to you at night (your husband, of course) to find out what exactly he likes so that you can truly enjoy turning him -- and you -- on.

What else will he like? Find out more about Foreplay for Him. Also check out, Getting Comfortable with His Desires.

For more advice on getting the most out of sex, check out Dr. Patti's Love Lessons:

  • The Secret of Sexual Arousal: Spend four weeks discovering the secrets and sensations of arousal -- and find out what sexual satisfaction is all about! 
  • 30 Days of Great Sex: This four-week program will help you and your partner get closer in -- and out -- of bed and learn new ways to satisfy each other sexually.
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