Lady Gaga's Birth Video: That's Not Exactly How We Remember It

Even though I pushed two people clear through it, I've never given my vagina all that much thought. From the looks of her new video, it would appear that Lady Gaga thinks about hers a lot.

In the slightly creepy intro to "Born This Way," LG dips her voice Demi-low as she weaves a sci-fi tale of "Mother Monster," who gives graphic birth to Goodness (which, in the video, looks like George Washington made out of gooey frosting) and Evil (a hair-sprayed transsexual Victoria's Secret model wielding a machine gun). The kaleidoscopic footage of writhing limbs is so cleverly spliced that it genuinely looks as if twin body stocking-clad Trekkie-nurses are pulling all sorts of -- er, stuff? -- out of what is presumably Gaga’s hoo-ha.   

And then she proceeds to prance about in a bra and panty ensemble, flaunting her back-load of tattoos and washboard abs that no immediately post-partum mama could even dream of having. Are we in a fantasy labor and delivery, watching the singer supposedly gyrating around in a post-partum glow? (Note to the video producers: You could not rock those panties with an episiotomy or C-section stitches.) After that, it’s just a regular old music video with killer dancing, skeletons in tuxedos, a warm and fuzzy girl-on-girl group hug, a few zippered nipples and lots of snatch grabs.

I admit it -- I don’t get any of it. What happened to Good and Evil and frosting-George, and what does any of that have to do with being happy with who you are? (Um, Lady? I’m pretty sure you weren’t born blonde.) I hate to sound old and jaded (even though I’m bordering on both), but to me the whole escapade is hardly more than a thinly veiled Madonna remix with the inexplicable addition of a unicorn and chain-stirrups. But people are watching and talking about it, which I imagine is the whole point. Even if you’re not ga-ga about Gaga, you have to admit she knows how to give birth -- I mean, turn heads.

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