Great Expectations: How to Tell If You're Having an Orgasm
Dear Dr. Patti:
I've been with the same guy for four years, and it's been great. He was my first sexual partner, so we had to experiment as we went along. The problem is that he has asked me whether I orgasm or not, and I honestly don't know. I've read so many amazing stories in magazines, but I don't think I'm "hitting the roof" the same way as those women do. How do I know when, and whether, I've reached orgasm during sex? Please help.
K
Dear K:
The quest for the Big O has many women and their partners perplexed. Have faith; you CAN get there. You may even be visiting that land already and not know it. I have coached many women who believed that they had not gotten to that orgasmic peak when, in fact, they were at the crest of Everest and didn't know it. For some women their orgasmic burst is a hiccup, not Vesuvius erupting. But with proper training and concentration rather than straining toward the goal, you can have a deeper, more intense experience at that point of releasing the orgasmic build-up.
First, I suggest that you let go of the goal of having an O. Pushing toward a goal like that can actually dampen your chances of getting to it. I often tell my female clients to let go of the idea of getting to the end of the line and instead place their attention on the present, as in, what's happening now? Feel the sensations in your body. Notice your thoughts. Focus on your breathing. Enjoy the touch and the feel of your lover's hands, mouth, penis, whatever it is, on your skin. Bask in the delight of all of your senses -- taste, smell, hearing, sight and touch. Allow yourself to let go of any desires to become fully orgasmic and follow the patterns of pleasure as they unfold.
Next, I also coach women and men to learn how orgasm best occurs. One of my favorite tools is a video by Betty Dodson, "Celebrating Orgasm." It shows her unique method for teaching women how to open up their orgasmic potential, using masturbation as the key. I highly recommend you obtain that at www.bettydodson.com.
If you are unable to get orgasmic with your partner during sexual intercourse, perhaps he needs to stimulate your clitoris directly or indirectly with other means before inserting his penis into your vagina. The use of sexual aids, such as dildos, vibrators, lubrication, costumes, lotions and sensual devices may also help you to focus on the playful aspects of sex together rather than relying on good old nature to get you there. You can also visit my website at www.yoursexcoach.com for some great ideas on sexual enhancement resources in our store.
