Guys Uncorked

A guide to picking out the sour grapes

The Pinot Noir

Anyone who has seen the movie Sideways or taken a wine class undoubtedly knows that the pinot noir grape is one of the toughest grapes to grow. It demands a climate that is just so, and large amounts of tender loving care. It is a complex and fragile grape, but one that promises a taste well worth the wait.

You will know a pinot noir instantly. He will be woefully strumming a guitar or brooding in a coffee shop. Big brooders, those pinot noirs. They will spare no details when it comes to the heartbreaks they've suffered, the hardships they've endured. The moment you meet a pinot noir, you will instantly want to save him, to cater to his every need and erase all of his pain with love and baked goods.

Then you wait for your pinot noir to blossom into the man only you understand he's capable of becoming. And you wait. And then you wait some more. While you're waiting, the pinot noir will be eating all of your food and hitting on your friends. Not because he's a jerk, mind you, but because he has issues. If you're like me, he'll also leave you with a migraine when he's all gone.

The Chianti

The Chianti, he is romantic, yes? Chianti, made primarily from the sangiovese grape, is earthy and smoky. In a word, the Chianti is all man, save for the slight fruity aroma of dark cherry. Some have a harsh and bitter aftertaste, and that is what you need to watch out for.

The Chianti does "manly" things '- he rides motorcycles, plays pool and can sometimes be found beneath the hood of his car. He is often sweaty, muscles bulging out from beneath his white tank top. (A little known fact: Chiantis are the only men who look good in white tank tops.)

The Chianti is like a breath of fresh air. He's confident, he's sexy, he's spontaneous and, most importantly, he knows how to treat a woman. Chiantis will carry you into the bedroom, pick up the tab, defend your honor and shower you with flowers, gifts and compliments. A Chianti will make you dizzy with romance.

The Chianti, he is perfect, yes? Well, ask his other girlfriend how perfect he is. And possibly his wife. Remember that aftertaste warning?

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