- Have a vibrator orgasm so you know what you're aiming for. Some therapists will advise you against doing this; they'll tell you to masturbate with your fingers first, leaving the vibrator as a last resort. While I agree that it's crucial you're able to orgasm using your fingers eventually, a vibrator is indisputably the most reliable and most efficient way to let yourself experience the feeling of orgasm. Simply hold the toy against the closed labia (lips of the vagina) at the top end so you're vibrating the clitoris underneath. Try rolling the vibrator, holding it at different angles and varying the speed and force, until you feel a build up of pressure. It really is as simple as holding it where it feels good... and keeping it there.
- Don't be scared when you feel the pressure building. This bit is crucial and, I believe, the reason why lots of women don't orgasm. The feeling of orgasm is frightening the first time you experience it. I was scared, too: I seriously thought I was going to explode and/or that I'd peed myself. But all that's happening is lots of blood is pumping to your genital and clitoral area. An orgasm is simply the moment when your body releases the blood back into the body, which feels euphoric. Once you understand what's happening, you'll (hopefully) feel less freaked out by the sensation.
- It didn't work? The vibrator might not be strong enough, it might be too strong (in which case, try putting a t-shirt between you and the sex toy) or there may be other psychological factors at play.
Sometimes, an early traumatic experience you don't even remember can still influence you. Our brains will "hide" information from us if it thinks it's too painful to recall. It sounds clever and it is to a point, but your brain isn't the only part of you that remembers the trauma; your body does, too. If you feel there's something wrong, but you're not sure what, or if you feel generally uncomfortable about sex, arrange to see a therapist. A visit to a good sex therapist will usually cure any problems quickly and efficiently. Only a tiny percentage of women never orgasm without professional help: You're unlikely to be one of them.