Is he just using me?

I've been dating my BF for over a year now. I guess that says a lot, but lately we have been spending less quality time together. It seems like I usually just go over to his apartment for you know what! He's also been a little moody, complains about not having as many buddies as he would like and hardly ever mentions our future any more. In fact, I recently asked him where he saw us in a few years and all he could say was, "I don't think like that." Then he changed the subject and got very nervous and fidgety. He is four years younger than I am (I'm 28, he's 24), so he might not be in it for the long haul after all. I'm just at a point where I certainly don't want to be in a relationship where someone is just using me. What do you think? --iVillager peri_winkle


Sherry Amatenstein

Sherry is the author of The Q&A Dating Book and Love Lessons from Bad Breakups. She has taught dating seminars, appeared as an expert... Read more

Dear peri_winkle:

A guy doesn't date a gal for a year if his only object is to use her. While it's obvious your boyfriend cares for you, it's also obvious that he has serious doubts about where (if anywhere) he sees the relationship going. You certainly deserve to get some definitive answers from this confused and consequently confusing guy.

It's time to sit him down and in a non-threatening manner say that you need to know where you stand. You're four years his senior and want to start mapping out your future. From your recent conversation it seems he doesn't see long-term potential in the relationship. If that's really the case, you need to know and make some decisions. If there is something in the relationship that he wishes would change, you need to know that too. Assure him that you're not trying to put him on the hot seat but you deserve to know where things are -- and aren't.

You may not like what you hear, but once you get some answers you'll be out of limbo and better able to move on with the rest of your life. Good luck.

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