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When America's Got Talent Season 8 premieres this May on NBC, the show will feature a fourth judge. Joining Howie Mandel, Howard Stern and newbie Mel B. (yes, the former Spice Girl) is…well, it's Heidi Klum.
"I just arrived in New Orleans [for the first set of auditions]," Klum, 39, told People magazine on Sunday. "And it was hard to go to sleep last night. I'm not sure who will be more nervous though -- me or the contestants!"
America, this isn't good news. Sure, Klum's got tons of hosting experience, for Project Runway (since 2005), Germany's version of Next Top Model (since 2006), and several Victoria's Secret Fashion Shows. And yes, producers of AGT have always been pretty loose in terms of its judges' qualifications. Former panelists have been a mixed bag of random entertainers/personalities, including Sharon Osbourne, Piers Morgan and David Hasselhoff. But Klum's not a great choice to round out this season's panel, and here's why:
She's too beautiful (and therefore boring).
As Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler) told her best friend (Rashida Jones) on a recent Parks & Recreation episode, "Ann, you’re too beautiful to be funny. It’s not your fault. You’ve never had to compensate for anything.” Well said, Leslie! Klum's not funny, either, which is okay -- as long as she's not anchoring a live talent show! AGT needs witty repartee from the judges. It's what keeps the audience engaged amidst the parade of strangers taking the stage. If Klum isn't able to liven up the proceedings, then yes, we can hate her for being beautiful.
She's not controversial.
Mandel, Osbourne, Stern, Mel B. and Morgan have all distinguished themselves as People Without Filters. This makes for interesting television viewing. Klum's been in the news lately for some controversial statements, but not out of her mouth. Joan Rivers, another notable P.W.F., told a joke about Klum at the Oscars: "The last time a German looked this hot was when they were pushing Jews into the ovens." Jewish leaders are understandably up in arms (you can't say that!); Rivers (who is Jewish) has been all over the news responding to their uproar; and the whole brouhaha makes us wish AGT would have hired the mouthy Rivers as its fourth judge. At least she's interesting.
She's not qualified.
Klum is a good judge of designers, and dresses hang beautifully on her. But being an excellent clotheshorse doesn't make one an excellent judge of talent. Being briefly married to a pop star (Seal) doesn't count, y'all.
Seriously -- is it too late to call Joan?
WATCH: Heidi Klum's Newest Job Revealed