He's bad for me but I want him back

I am 29 and pregnant by a married man. Before I even got involved with him, he told me that he was planning to leave his wife, who is his financial benefactor, as soon as he finished school. However, she has since vowed not to let him have a divorce. He kept telling me he had it under control. When I decided not to give the baby his last name, he stopped speaking to me and I broke things off with him. I know the relationship won't work, but I can't help wanting him back in my life. Am I crazy? --iVillager misse_29


Sherry Amatenstein

Sherry is the author of The Q&A Dating Book and Love Lessons from Bad Breakups. She has taught dating seminars, appeared as an expert... Read more

Dear misse_29:

Your problem certainly isn't kid stuff. Since the father of your baby is married, it's best to operate on the assumption that "baby makes two." Even if daddy-to-be gets a divorce, what kind of role model for a child is a man who marries a woman for her money (which seems to be the situation you describe)?

I applaud you for breaking it off with the guy, and I recommend you put your energies into taking care of yourself and the new life you're hatching. Now is a time to de-stress, eat healthfully, get plenty of rest and begin planning a future as a single mother. Do you have supportive friends and family who can play a role in the baby's life. A good medical plan? Terrific OB-GYN?

While it's ultra-understandable that you still have feelings for your ex-lover, unless he demonstrates maturity, stability and the ability to make a wife and child top priority, you must cut the emotional umbilical cord. However, he is the child's biological father, and you need to think through what you hope he can provide in terms of financial and practical support. But given his track record, the less you expect from him, the less disappointed you will be.

Congratulations on the pregnancy and on your decision to jettison the big baby who served as sperm donor. Best of luck.

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