Hey, Paula! Recap: July 5

A dolled up Paula, determined to fix the publicity blunder she caused by appearing drunk and/or drugged during live TV interviews, cried to her team "I don't do recreational drugs. And I'm not drunk on television. And I’m sick and tired of people just trying to make it as though I am. Enough is enough."

She suggested having a press conference to tell the media to stop. I don’t think her people thought talking to the media was such a great idea quite yet. She had an absolute breakdown about being treated like doggie poop by the press and being quiet about it. Her team planned to have Paula do “positive” interviews and every appearance they assign her, one of which was a gifting suite so she can score free swag. She was nervous that marketers wouldn't want her associated with their products. Hey, Paula! If all else fails, surely you can be a spokesperson for vodka or legal meds.

Much to her surprise, she was given enough expensive products to sell and be able to feed all the kids the very special American Idol episode benefited. Instead, she practically begged for some designer dress, claiming she will call the paparazzi herself to be photographed in it. Yet, once again, she had zero cash on her when it came time to actually pay for something. A guy in her entourage gave her a few bucks to tip her valet dude. How is it that someone so rich has to constantly turn to someone on her staff to pay her way?

After lugging home all her gifts, Paula worried about her next appearance, which was to accept a “Woman of the Year” award at the Nevada Ballet Theatre in Vegas -- interviews a must! Wait, rewind. Woman of theYear!? Hm. While her publicist was on the phone with a L.A. magazine, Paula insisted the reporter had one of her quotes wrong. "Get her quote right.... This is dangerous ... If you're going to quote me, quote me right. Don't get it wrong or I'll come after her," she barked.

And so Ms. Abdul got in a bad mood and was not in the right mindset to accept her award. While walking through the crowd, Paula stopped every girl and squirted her with her perfume -- an interesting tactic to avoid having to actually speak to the press. She did one interview, but kept asking for more time before continuing with others. I'm hot. I'm cold. I'm hot. Eventually, she couldn't stall any longer. A reporter asked if she's been hurt by the "drug" accusations. She stuttered through her answer, trying to make it a joke about Simon, then asked them to edit her speaking issue. In her last interview of the evening, she claimed she's too busy to be partying. She didn't stutter, was poised and came off normal and sober. Her American Idol pals Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and Ryan Seacrest presented her with the award. Simon even said very sweet things about Paula. When it was all over, she was, again, overly exhausted and started to go back to her slurring state we’ve become so accustomed to.

Paula’s Vegas interviews turned out to be good publicity for her, and she was invited to be on The Tonight Show. She was excited to be able to say her peace without Ryan, Randy or Simon interrupting her. Jay Leno asked about her infamous wacky interviews, and she said she was being given a question to the wrong television station she was replying to. She was proud of herself, feeling things were looking up. She even joked about having some stiff martinis. “Just kidding,” she winked. Sure, she probably prefers margaritas.

After three episodes, I’m finding it hard to understand why Paula agreed to do this show. Of course we’re seeing how busy she is and how many different things she’s involved in, but I don’t think her side of the story is coming across like she expected. Do you?

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