His friend is trying to break us up!

Dear Sherry:

I recently returned from a vacation with my boyfriend of one year and two of his friends (one male, one female). During the weeklong trip, his male friend decided to make it known that I wasn't welcome. I spent the entire seven days being harassed and baited. He was trying to see how much I would put up with before cracking. He wanted my boyfriend to "see the light" and break up with me. (The friend is single and unhappy because of it.)

My boyfriend loves me, and we have discussed, at great length, our future together. My beau has also discussed his plans for the future with the friend, and he has always seemed supportive until now. I have no doubt that my boyfriend is extremely hurt by his friend's behavior. However, now the friend and I cannot peacefully coexist. I want my boyfriend to confront his friend just to let him know that he was wrong and that his behavior will not be tolerated. He says he will, but he hasn't yet (it happened two weeks ago). I don't want to nag, and I want to give him enough space to figure it out, but I think every day that goes by without a word is just showing the friend that he can get away with it. Do I just wait, or do I speak up? And more importantly, how do I suppress the urge to strangle the friend whenever we're in the same room?



Sherry Amatenstein

Sherry is the author of The Q&A Dating Book and Love Lessons from Bad Breakups. She has taught dating seminars, appeared as an expert... Read more

Dear hoopere:

Your boyfriend sounds like a good guy who wants to do right by everybody. But sometimes a guy's just gotta take a stand, and this is a clear case where -- sorry, Tammy -- he'd better stand by his woman.

I agree that you don't want to come across like a nag who issues ultimatums along the lines of "your jerky friend goes or I do." However, you're now back home, not on unfamiliar soil. Just because your boyfriend still chooses to be in the same room with his old buddy is no reason for you to share space with a spiteful, harassing creep who lives to bait you. Until you get an apology, don't give this guy the time of day, much less the pleasure of your company. That's called standing by yourself -- having self-respect. Hopefully seeing your reasonable but no-nonsense attitude will help your boyfriend find the courage to do the right thing sooner rather than later.

One point you didn't fully address: Did your boyfriend keep silent while you were being tortured or come to your defense even a smidgin? If the former, he's the one I'd want to strangle.

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