Hot and Heavy vs. Making Love

"What are your views on 'making love' vs. 'hot and heavy' sex? I don't see 'making love' as an event that is limited to the bedroom. In many ways, my fiance and I make love to each other all day long. Our emotional and physical connection is very strong. We touch each other, kiss each other, engage in pleasant conversation, and say 'I love you' to each other many times a day. Because we are so loving to each other every minute of every day, sex is always very physical -- intensely hot and heavy!" --iVillage auntie_3


Michael Ra Bouchard, MA, PhD

Dr. Bouchard is a board-certified clinical sexologist with a PhD in human sexuality. He lives in Hawaii, where he founded the Aloha Sexual... Read more

Dear auntie_3:

Let me begin by congratulating you on your upcoming marriage, and for keeping those home fires burning so brightly! Sounds as if you've definitely found the right recipe for creatively satisfying your particular needs within your relationship.

In my opinion the difference between "hot and heavy sex" and "making love" is rather simple. The first is more about physical connection that leads to sexual pleasure, release and gratification. "Making love" is all of this, but also emphasizes the deep emotional connection, affection and shared bond that develops between caring lovers. This sex doc wholeheartedly agrees with your philosophy of making love. Making love is a state of mind, limited only by our imagination, willingness and ability to give and receive pleasure and love. And one of the most fantastic -- and seemingly paradoxical -- aspects of love is that the more we give the more we ultimately have and receive. What a great deal!

"Hot and heavy sex" or "making love" needn't be thought of as mutually exclusive, but rather as a difference in how various needs are met. For example, sometimes a couple may be feeling frisky and loving, yet for various reasons (from time constraints to urgent animal passion) they opt for the heated route. Are they still able to share emotional closeness and intimacy? Sure! It's just a matter of taking two different approaches. Besides, repetition and predictability can make a sex life awfully boring fast, so it's always a good idea to spice it up a bit with new and seemingly daring ideas and behavior.

What matters most here is that you both feel that all your needs -- physical, emotional, mental and spiritual -- are being met through your overall shared intimacies. On the odd occasion that they're not, commit to taking the necessary steps towards doing so for yourself, and support your partner in doing so for himself, too. The secret to long-term sexual happiness is keeping open and honest communication with ourselves first and next with our partner.

Pleasurably yours, Dr. Michael

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