Patient of the Week: Maggie, AKA Donna from the West Wing! She presents with the inability to move her hands. I know it's really sad that she dropped her daughter as a result of said illness but I don't have time to be bummed as I'm so super excited the theme music is on which means Hugh Laurie and my fave show is back on the airwaves!
Merry Christmas everyone! Oh wait, it's almost February but in House-land it's the week before Christmas, very fitting if completely unintentional due to the Hollywood writers strike that had postponed this episode. House comes into his office and it's been decorated for the Christmas holidays or as House puts it: "superficial representations of a hypocritical season celebrating a mythical season."
House immediately knows Kutner is behind the decorations, as "Homie (foreman) knows better, Hymie (Taub) doesn't care and Huntington's (13) would've done a better job." House realizes the newbies are no longer scared of him since his "game" is now over. Kutner takes the blame and wants to know if they can have a secret Santa.
House then goes into who their patient is. She's a single mom who tested positively for the BRC-1 gene so had both her breasts removed so she wouldn't get cancer. Also she never lies to her daughter, she's completely honest with everything she's ever told her. Naturally House refuses to believe this since he knows that everyone lies. 13 truly believes that the patient isn't lying, she sees the good in everyone, I've seen this character before, I call her Cameron. Come on, she's exactly the same character as Cameron! I'm so annoyed.
House goes to talk to the daughter, Jane, and grills her about her mom’s sex life and favorite sexual positions. The young actress was amazing and held her own opposite a heavy weight like Hugh Laurie. Turns out her mom does tell her about all the drugs and sex she’s into. Her honesty about what she knows about her mother stuns House.
House thinks it’s child abuse to tell your child all that information. He goes to Wilson to get his opinion, but only says his own and as usual, doesn’t really care what Wilson has to say. Except when he said House’s patient doesn’t have cancer. House needs a new theory and with 13’s and Kutner’s help they think “STD.” House sends Foreman and Taub to her former partner’s place be cause they’re better liars, more likely to get to the truth. Turns out he’s right, Foreman and Taub tag team her most recent sexual escapade and get him to admit he slipped her some Ecstasy.
In the clinic, House meets a woman who’s wearing a St. Nicholas pendant; he’s the patron saint of prostitutes. House surmises that she’s a prostitute and gives her anti-biotics for strepp throat and sends her on her way. In the hallway, House runs into Cuddy and tells her he needs to hire more fellows to instill fear into the ones he already has, case in point: Taub comes over and doesn’t even flinch when House throws him attitude. House can’t stand it and thinks something must be done.
Meanwhile back in the patient’s room, she goes blind, you can tell a good actor if they can play blind well and she did it. Sure she’s no Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman, but still pretty great.
During the commercial break, I’m inundated with ad after ad about who to vote for in the Super Tuesday primary, but I don’t care, I’m too invested in House to think about the future of this nation.
Back in his office, House is putting the names of his staff on pieces of paper and putting them into a stocking for secret Santa. He watches as everyone pulls a name out to see how he or she will react to whomever they pulled.
House sends the team off to do a bunch of things like going to the patient’s house and stealing the computers. He thinks that you talk to your kid about sex to avoid having her ask questions about the things you don’t want to talk about. While running the tests, they realize the case is really serious.
Wilson wants to know what the deal with secret Santa is, he thinks House is trying to bring his team together, House immediately tells them he’s trying to drive his team apart with conflict. “Santa is about sharing and secret is about withholding, the conflict is built right in the name.”
Kutner and 13 come back from the patient’s house with their computers. He says he wants to spend more money on his secret Santa, 13 wonders who he’s trying to impress. He reassures her it’s not her. All the tests have come back negative but the patient is blind, so House realizes he needs to trick the patient’s brain. Trick it to do what? I haven’t a clue, but for some annoying reason it involves 13 being all preachy about House not trusting people… where is cut throat bitch and who knew I’d ever miss Cameron? And if we’re really getting into it, where the hell is Cuddy? She’s been on my screen for only like 30 seconds and the show is half over!
House tells Jane she needs to lie to her mom in order for the placebo to work. She refuses. So instead Taub gives her the treatment and inquires to why mommy is so lie-free. Mommy says the world would be a better place if everyone acted like their mother was looking over their shoulder. I agree, based simply on some of the guys who I’ve dated… I’m looking at you, Rich.
13 takes Jane to play foosball with Foreman and Kutner. Kutner wants to spend another $25 on his secret Santa, everyone says no. 13 says he must really like whomever he got, but Jane says “or really dislike.” Her mom gives the best presents to the teachers she hates most. Totally bizarre family this is. But they realize Kutner has House, which is impossible seeing as 13 and Foreman have House.
House tells Wilson he gave them all their names to sew some dissension and get some ties and sweaters and they’ll argue about what to do. Kutner says he’s still buying House a present, 13 says no he’s not, but I don’t believe him and his goofy smile. Meanwhile back in the patient’s room, Taub is dealing with a crisis, she can’t breathe. It almost makes the fighting over the secret Santa thing kinda pointless when a woman is dying.
House is having very little success learning about the patient reading her emails. He has a present prominently displayed on his desk; Kutner wants to know whom it’s from. “Santa you know I worship or is that Satan I always get them confused.” 13 yells at House for his obsessing about her emails and tells him to stop, who does THAT remind you of. I’m sorry, I feel so bad I can’t hide my blatant disdain for 13. Anyway, turns out House has found out some info on her by going through her computer, take that 13! BURN!
House opens his present and it’s a brand new iphone. He thanks the gang for it.
Kutner wonders who gave House the iphone, 13 says he obviously gave it to himself. House finds Wilson in the cafeteria, you know with the amount of times House finds him there, you’d think Wilson would be much fatter! He hands Wilson the iphone who tells House he has been looking for it all morning. House says the gang is probably 90% he gave it to himself, but the 10% is causing them to fight right now, sure enough they are.
All this is going on while Maggie is BLEEDING FROM HER EYES!! I’m starting to think House puts his mind games BEFORE patient care which I think is very bad! House tells his team a bunch of tests to run and they go off, but Kutner lingers behind and tells House that he’s his secret Santa, but already got a present. Kutner hands him another gift and turns around to find out he’s been spotted doing so by 13 and Taub. Now they’re totally screwed!
The prostitute is back in the clinic and now has a really disgusting rash. Not that all rashes aren’t disgusting, but this one is pretty sick. She said she got it from doing stuff with a donkey. House thinks she’s one messed up chick. She slips him a flyer for her show that she does. House is intrigued. What is this girl into??
Back in the OR, chase is operating on Maggie until her bones start smoking. Her bones are harder than the drill. Apparently this is not supposed to be. Foreman thinks her skeleton is turning to stone. Kutner thinks she has a CA-2 deficiency and if so, Maggie will need a bone marrow transplant. Taub wants to test Jane as a match, but Maggie refuses to give permission and lists a million reasons why. House finds this strange and wants to know why she would refuse “the only reason to give multiple reasons is because you’re searching for what the person wants to hear.” Taub gives House a gift. 13 walks in and sees him with the gift and gives one of her own to House.
Kutner wants to know if they’re mad at him, 13 says she doesn’t care because it will drive House crazy. House goes to see Maggie and tells her to tell the truth because it’s obvious that Maggie and Jane are not mother and daughter, why else would she refuse the test unless she knows it’s not going to be a match.
Maggie admits that she’s not the real mother, but Jane doesn’t know. Jane comes in and says she knows her mother is dying and nobody can help her, so she’s not having it when her mom says it’s going to be ok, cause it’s not.
House runs into Wilson at the staff holiday party as he leaves. Wilson is wearing a reindeer hat whose antlers can wave, it’s pretty cute. He’s cute! Anywho, Wilson makes him realize what Maggie has like many conversations he has with Wilson. Actually maybe Wilson is the genius doctor here, not House. Turns out she has breast cancer, but in her leg. The breast tissue doesn’t care where it goes, but it can still develop into cancer. A Christmas miracle!
House exits again through the party and sees his new staff chatting with his old one. Don’t get the impression Chase and Cameron get dialogue, they don’t.
House decides to head to the prostitutes show, turns out she’s not a hooker, but playing Virgin Mary in a church nativity play. She comes out riding a donkey and when she spots House, gives him a very lascivious smile, not very Virgin Mary like if you ask me!
Merry Christmas everyone!
Stay tuned for House’s special post-superbowl episode recap on Sunday!
p.s. I miss Cuddy!