Patient of the Week: Lady Air Force pilot, Captain Cooper. She's about to get her dream job of becoming an astronaut for NASA when her brain totally freaks out when she's performing in a flight simulator.
We open up on House in front of the 40 or so candidates for his new team. They are all wearing numbers around their necks and House refers to them as their numbers, not their names. He starts firing people arbitrarily. He wants them to diagnose Buddy Epsen's illness, apparently he was diagnosed allergic to the tin man paint during the filming of the Wizard of Oz.
Cuddy finds out about House's way of hiring a new team. Not surprisingly she disapproves. Snore, wake me up when Cuddy does approve of something House does. The writers really need to re-arrange the tune on that old song. Look what a musical rearrangement did for "Minnie the Moocher" on itunes re-arranged by Hugh Laurie and his Band From TV... it became ridiculously popular.
Captain cooper pages House to his own office. She’s a straight shooter and hands him $50,000 to cover her medical expenses. She says she’s about to get a job as an astronaut and can’t be hearing things with her eyes, so she came to see House. He’s the best and will break the rules. She needs this to be on the DL as if NASA or the Air Force finds out about her new problem, she can say adios to her dream of going up to space.
House presents her to the 40 doctors as Osama Bin Laden. They ask her a bunch of questions. House sends them all out to run various tests, break into her home or clean his car. As one of the groups reports to House their findings, House watches internet porn. When he looks up he sees Chase walk by his office. He immediately jumps up to follow Chase but Chase has disappeared by the time House reaches the door.
Another group runs more tests. I’m totally annoyed by all these people. I think this week I might be missing Chase, Foreman and Cameron. No wait, the newbies just accidently set the patient on fire, okay, now I’m on board, that was cool.
House goes to Wilson to find out why Chase is wandering around. Wilson tells House that Chase took a job in Arizona and couldn’t possibly be roaming the halls of Princeton Plainsboro hospital. He surmises that House’s repressed guilt of firing Chase is now un-repressing itself.
The entire group of doctors follows House telling him the results of the thyroid test, he rattles off a bunch of other tests to do and enters the elevator. They all try to get on with him, but he tells them he rides alone.
While doing the next set of tests, the patient who no one knows anything about starts freaking out and has a psychotic break. House is called in after she locks herself in the chapel. House gets momentarily distracted when he sees a blonde Cameron walk through the downstairs lobby and that’s when Cuddy shows up and demands to know who the patient is. Osama Bin Laden?
She once again disapproves of House’s tactics when no one will tell her who the woman is. House refuses to answer so she corals the doctors and insists they give her all of the patients info. The guy wearing the #10 sign cracks. Cuddy goes to House and tells him he now needs to chart everything about this woman or else.
House comes in and they run a DDX on the patient, but the problem is if they do any tests, Cuddy will know and report it to NASA, man, is she some sort of crazy tattle tale. Where in the hospital bylaws does it say she needs to report everything to everyone? I hate her in this episode for some reason.
House asks them how to do tests when they can’t do tests cause if they do tests Cuddy will know and be a big old government tattle tale. He gives them an hour to figure it out and goes chats it up with Wilson.
House tells Wilson he saw Cameron, and she blonde! Wilson says that’s not possible, that Cameron lives in Arizona with Chase and they’re engaged. He also tells House, since this is the therapy part of the show, that House is probably going to chose the new fellows based on the fact that he doesn’t like them because liking someone stresses him out. This sends House on a new mission regarding his patient and he leaves before opening up more to Wilson or getting cozy on his couch.
House wants to stress her liver out and #9 (formerly #6 who got fired and figured out a way back in) says they can stress her liver by doing shots of tequila. So they do. House gets a control of the Mormon candidate who has never been drunk before so he can see what’s normal and how fast Cooper should go down the tubes. House also does a few shots, you know cause it’s only fair.
House then sees Foreman and goes after him. Instead he runs into Cuddy who continues to berate him about the absurd sounding tests he’s running on the captain.
The patient can’t breathe. House thinks she has lung cancer and needs to open her up. She says no, NASA doctors will see the scar. He says the game is over, she kinda needs lung to live. But she tells him to find another way to do the surgery so she could explain it to NASA. House does. One of the doctors says a boob job. They give her new boobs, but while they have her open, they rummage around in her lungs to see what’s really going on. Seriously, is this a real hospital?
Cooper won’t agree. She wants to be taken seriously and getting a boob job is not going to do that. One of the docs says all the best most successful people in the world got laughed at throughout their lives. She agrees.
During the surgery, House finds cysts on her lungs. He starts to ask the newbies what it is? They start listing possible illnesses, but none of them are getting it right. From the surgical gallery a voice gives House his answer. It’s Chase, looking mighty scruffy yummy I must add. And he diagnoses the captain. House confirms that Chase does exist with one of the doctors before he answers him. Turns out Chase is on the surgical staff of the hospital.
House has a visit to Wilson. He wants to know why he lied to him. Wilson said he did it because House feels guilty. Turns out both Chase and Cameron are back at the hospital and have been for a few weeks. Now how is that possible that House wouldn’t know that? He’s Mr. Hospital gossip and he doesn’t know his two peeps are back at PPTH, not buying that. Turns out though Foreman is really working at another hospital, so there’s no way House could’ve seen him.
Two of the newbies tell the captain that she’s all better, but needs to come clean to NASA. House comes in and says he already told them. Huh? This entire time he’s been protecting her dream of going into space, doing everything to make sure there is no trace of her real problem and then he goes and does this? I’m so confused. Come to think of it, I’ve been confused this entire episode and it’s not because the color is off on my TV, I think it’s because this episode is a mess.
We’re back in the classroom where House fires off a bunch of the newbies. He doesn’t fired the old guy but then asks to speak to him privately. Turns out the old newbie isn’t actually a doctor, but House decides to keep him anyway because he’s House and he does the unexpected.
House goes to find Cameron in the ER and if I thought this episode was confusing already, man does it get worse. She comes over to House and he calls her an idiot. She says why because of the hair or that she’s working in the ER.
House: “The hair makes you look like a hooker. I like it.”
Then she asks why he lied to the captain telling her he called NASA when he didn’t. He says he had to stop some leaky faucets, meaning he had to make the newbies think he called so the ones who got fired wouldn’t. She doesn’t believe him. She says she thinks he did it because he couldn’t kill her dreams.
So what do we think of all these newbies? Do you miss the old gang? How hot was Chase? How annoying was Cuddy? And I think I needed a little more Wilson. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I miss the old show.