House Season Premiere Recap: Alone

Hugh Laurie is back! House is back! Me so happy! Can I please climb in that tub with him?

When we last saw Dr. House at the end of season 3, he was getting his flirt on something fierce with Dr. Lisa Cuddy and more importantly (to people who hate love) his entire team was fired or quit. Meanwhile, Dr. Wilson was just a total cutie delight as always (my love for him has grown ever since his infamous line last season: “I have a breast thing,” so readers beware, you’ve been warned.)

What I learned on House this week:
A guitar can cost $12,000 and young couples in New Jersey live in really nice houses.

Patient of the Week:
Meghan, who has severe injuries and has been completely disfigured after the building she works in collapsed.

Cuddy finds House jamming on his sweet electric guitar (that we later find out cost $12,000) in his office instead of working. She tells him he has a case, he says he can’t take it seeing as he has no team. She makes a deal with him that if he solves the case by himself by the end of the day Cuddy will leave him alone for a week. On what planet is this acceptable behavior? I wish I had a job that allowed me to say “hey, if I fax this today, you jerks leave me alone for a week, but still pay me of course and provide me with health and dental benefits.” But this is House-land and I love it, so Cuddy agrees.

Cuddy thinks there’s no way he can diagnose her by the end of the day and this will force House to realize he needs a team. Wilson, knowing House better, tells Cuddy this will never work and decides to take the law into his own hands. Now how did that work out for O.J.?

We next see House at his white board listing the symptoms but no one is sitting at the table giving him ideas about what’s wrong with Meghan. So House recruits the janitor to bounce ideas off him and then enlists him to get a patient history from the boyfriend and mother. Dr. Buffer as House refers to him not only can take a history, but can do it in a kind, gentle way unlike House, but very much like Cameron. Who right now I’m not missing. I’m not missing any of them actually because so far this episode is so delightful. When they don’t get the answers House and Dr. buffer need House insists Dr. Buffer join him in a break in to Meghan and the boyfriend’s house. When he refuses on principal, House drags Wilson by telling him he’s taking him out to lunch. Suffice it to say Wilson isn’t all that surprised when he realizes he’s been roped into a B & E.

This house is pretty sweet. I mean, who keeps their house that clean and nice? Certainly not me. For example: THE BED WAS MADE?!

House finds the girl’s private diary and thinks she’s been taking anti-depressants. That’s what caused the fever, they’re a bad combo when mixed with Demerol. Case solved? You’d think that if this is your first time watching the show. But since it’s like my 78 episode watched, I know better.

House thinks he’s solved the case and when he returns to his office he finds his guitar missing and a ransom note in its place. He gets a mysterious call from the kidnapper who is obviously Wilson and heads over to his office and demands the guitar back. Wilson won’t admit to anything, but tells House he can get it back when he interviews a bunch of candidates for his new team. He doesn’t like the game Wilson’s playing and takes a bunch of resumes.

Meghan goes into tachycardia. Cuddy tells House he didn’t solve the case and needs to get back on it. He bounces ideas off of Cuddy, when Cuddy can’t come up with one reason for all her problems he says “Maybe that’s because there isn’t one.” He suggests crushed syndrome, Cuddy tells him to do an EKG.

While in the patient’s room, House has to deal with her boyfriend and mother which we all know he hates doing and can’t hide that fact.

Boyfriend:Is crushed syndrome good or bad?
House: “Does it sound good?”
Damn, that was cold… but really funny.

The patient’s heart looks fine, but when she starts sweating, House has another theory. She’s detoxing from alcohol. The boyfriend says there’s no way. They live together, he’d know if she were an alcoholic. House points out he didn’t know she was on anti-depressants so how can they trust him? Cuddy gives her alcohol in her IV and she stops the DT’s. The boyfriend is shocked, he’s been living with a total stranger.

House gives into Wilson and calls a fellowship candidate. The guy on the other end sounds like one of those “surfer dude” turtles from Finding Nemo which annoys House and he hangs up on the kid. The youth of America are morons. Kinda makes you regret pissing off your team, House, doesn’t it.

Wilson comes to the hospital in the middle of the night, looking adorable in a hoodie, because of a code. The nurse says they didn’t page him. He realizes he’s been had by House. House got him out of his hotel room (where apparently you can install TIVO) to toss it looking for his guitar. He has upped the kidnapping stakes and threatens Wilson’s happiness by deleting his TIVO-ed telenovela (apparently he’s learning Spanish and is really into cheesy programming) I love this man!

The next morning House runs into Cuddy.
Favorite line Alert
Cuddy: Where did you come from?
House: Apes, if you believe the democrats.

Cuddy tells him his patient has pancreatitis. House tries to bounce more ideas off her, but she refuses. She won’t enable him anymore because he has to hire a team and can’t just bounce ideas off of everyone else to avoid doing so.

How cute is that teddy bear behind Wilson?

Well, here’s comes the psychoanalyzing scene by Wilson, every episode has to have one. I’m glad the writers didn’t forget that over hiatus. House is doing an MRI and Wilson comes in and says he has no sense of humor about the guitar kidnapping and wants to know the real reason why House won’t hire a team. Is it because he got hurt by his other team? Wilson tells him to get over it. House has no time to deal with Freud because his patient starts bleeding out of her mouth and ass.

During surgery to repair the internal bleeding, House watches from the upstairs room. Cuddy can’t believe he’s there, he’s never there. She tells him he needs a team or else he’s going to kill this woman. House tells her if he had a team the woman would be dead because they’d be there instead of him and wouldn’t notice the large size of the woman’s uterus.

House goes into the OR and does a little poking around in her private region to find that she’s recently had an abortion. When he breaks the news to the boyfriend, he says House is wrong. House: “Well, either she lied to you or her blood lied to us.” Awesome answer, score one for House! The boyfriend is bumming because he had no idea his GF was depressed, an alcoholic and pregnant.

House decides to up the ante on Wilson who has since mutilated the guitar. House goes in to the room of one of Wilson’s poor cancer patients… you know, you’d think in this day and age when no one has any respect for anyone, that you’d get respect if you have cancer, but apparently not… back to the show… House tells the cancer guy to get on his feet he’s moving to another room. When asks if Dr. Wilson knows about this, House replies: “Well, if he didn’t, this would be really stupid because then he wouldn’t know where his patient was and he might think he’d been kidnapped!”

Meanwhile, Meghan is crashing as a result of kidney failure. House goes to the ER to bounce ideas of people, but no one cooperates. Cuddy sent out a memo telling hospital staff not to help House. House naturally gets around that by sending out a memo signed by Cuddy to ignore her original memo. He’s funny!

What is unfunny is Meghan is totally dying and as House breaks the news he realizes he might be wrong. Wilson comes to House and demands his patient back. He tells House that if something happens to the patient no one knows who he is. Wilson: “They give him the wrong meds, who the hell knows what’s going to happen.”

This proves the key to solving the case. House realizes that the patient is not Meghan, she must be another woman who was in the same collapsed building who looked like Meghan. The patient is a woman named Liz. Meghan is like super dead. Liz is not. He tells the boyfriend this whole time Meghan wasn’t lying to him, the chart was lying to them.

Back to the Cuddy story. She says if House had a team they would’ve solved the case days ago. She insists he hire a team. We cut to a classroom where about 40 forty doctors are sitting. In the front of the classroom is House tuning his newly returned guitar. He tells the doctors that this is going to be the longest job interview in their life. More importantly: “Wear a cup.”


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