How can I cope with a demanding lover -- and get some sleep?
I like sex, but my husband is just too demanding. Sex seems to be a chore more than a pleasure when it's demanded, almost as if he has a quota to fulfill each day. I think that part of it is that sex does cause me physical discomfort afterwards, soreness as well as some other symptoms, which I really can't explain. I am also so far behind on sleep that I have actually fallen asleep during foreplay. How awful is that? I felt terrible. Another thing is that foreplay for him generally consists of a grope here and a grope there. How romantic! His simple solution was to buy a lubricant. That doesn't solve the problem on my end as I am still not in the mood.
People who have problems with libido don't generally like sex, do they? I really don't think that it is just me or my lack of a sex drive, but is there anything that I can do to get in the mood, like some sort of medication? --soliloquyblue
Question:Michael Ra Bouchard, MA, PhD
Dr. Bouchard is a board-certified clinical sexologist with a PhD in human sexuality. He lives in Hawaii, where he founded the Aloha Sexual... Read more
Dear friend:
From what you've just reported, I think your lover is insensitive, self-centered and sexually selfish! Make no mistake, your husband's behavior is unacceptable. In essence, whether he realizes it or not, he's relegating you to the status of a sexual object for his personal gratification, and if you're ever okay with that then it's time for you and a professional counselor to have a long talk! Fortunately, it appears that you're far from okay with it, and as you point out, you know that sex isn't just something to be tolerated.
If you really want or expect things to change, it's up to you to get the ball rolling. You can begin retraining him by immediately initiating a heart-to-heart discussion with Mr. Love Machine outside the bedroom. To begin, let him know that you're tired of being treated like a sexual object for his personal pleasure. Make it clear that from now on, if he wants sex, he needs to request it, not expect nor demand it. Sexual activity with our lover is not a "right"; if he wants sex and you don't, tell him it's his responsibility to self-manage his needs. If sex three times daily feels like a chore for you, then be honest about it with yourself and with him, and tell him so. If not, you're likely to build resentment and quite possibly anger, frustration, and disappointment.
That you experience little or no pleasure from these frequent on-demand sexual couplings, not to mention the subsequent pain and discomfort afterwards, certainly makes it easy to understand how you might be on a downwards spiral of sexual desire. Let him know that having pain during sex is no longer an acceptable option. Ask him how he'd like to have sex if it left him feeling not only unfulfilled but in pain. My sense is that those "other symptoms" might include emotional unrest such as exhaustion, despair and depression and may in fact be contributing to your constant fatigue and lack of sexual desire. These feelings, in turn, are probably coupled with a growing sense of disconnection from your partner -- and could increase your current sexual disinterest.
You say, "I have actually fallen asleep during foreplay! How awful is that?" It's pretty awful all right, but not for the reasons you suspect. It's awful because either you're not clearly communicating your lack of desire and fatigue to your partner, or else he's simply ignoring your needs. I suggest you go to the Love Lessons archives and read my "How to Retrain Your Lover and Why You Should." In it you'll discover that it's your responsibility as the unsatisfied partner to break your lover of sexual bad habits and to retrain him to be the lover you would ultimately both have him be. If he's not appropriately responsive, you need to ask yourself why you're sticking around. Don't fool yourself. This is about much, much more than just about sexual respect; it's about respect for all your rights as a person.
It's very important that you set clear and understandable boundaries that he needs to stay within to stay in your bedroom. Keep your "retraining" lessons light and fun, but be firm. Rechannel some of his narcissistic nature back towards you: Remind him that your needs, emotional and sexual, count just as much as his, and from now on you'd appreciate a little romancing and finesse in his approach to lovemaking. Encourage him to read some of the posts on the Sexual Pleasure Pro and Sex Coach boards to get lots of new ideas and insights into becoming a more sensitive lover.
I strongly urge you to seek couples counseling through a qualified marriage or sex therapist. With the help of a trained and skilled therapist you can each learn to view sex and relationship dynamics in new, healthier and ultimately more fulfilling ways for you both.
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