How can I get my husband to try something new?
"My husband and I have been married for 19 years and we've always had a good sex life, until recently. Now it seems that he's always tired and just wants sleep. I tried to think of ways to spice things up, and something I'd like to try is massaging his prostate. But I tried this years ago and he wasn't very eager. Do you think that I did it wrong? I'd like to encourage him to try it again, and I'd even like to experiment with some mild bondage and spanking (with me being the submissive party), but how do I let him know that's what I want? I've tried to talk with him about this with no luck. He's not much on conversation, so what should I do?" --iVillager sandy.1973
Question:Michael Ra Bouchard, MA, PhD
Dr. Bouchard is a board-certified clinical sexologist with a PhD in human sexuality. He lives in Hawaii, where he founded the Aloha Sexual... Read more
Dear sandy.1973:
Good for you and your husband that you're ready, willing and able to expand on your sex life. An open mind toward sexual exploration is the best foundation to build a dynamic and satisfying partnered sex life -- for years to come.
But first, I am concerned about the fatigue that your husband is having recently. Something sounds amiss here. Is it possible he might be unhappy about something? A sudden and radical change in energy and interest level such as this could be a signal of depression, or instead might be an indication of a physical malady of some kind. I strongly urge you to have him schedule an appointment with his doctor immediately for a physical, and for you to attend it with him. It may turn out to be nothing physical, but why take chances? This way, you'll both have peace of mind.
Then there's the matter of convincing him to try a prostate anal massage. Most men are indeed quite squeamish about it, at least at first. Along with the usual taboos that the anus is a "dirty" and "forbidden" place, there's also a false perception that anyone enjoying such pleasures must be, at least latently, gay. In order to help your husband overcome some of these fears and misperceptions I recommend you buy the excellent video Self Anal Massage by Joseph Kramer Productions. You'll both learn everything you ever wanted to know about this most intimate massage, from tips on relaxing the buttock muscles and using the best positions to overcoming resistance and fears and using breathing rhythms. Besides being extremely pleasurable and erotic, prostate massage can also be important for men's emotional health, as this is a place where deep-seated fears and paranoia are held.
Finally, regarding your interests in bondage and submission play, I encourage you to discuss it with him openly. Each of you will need to honestly state what you are and are not willing to do together beforehand -- and come up with a "safety word" that you both understand as an escape from the charade. When it comes to this form of consensual sex play, it needn't be degrading or mean spirited at all, but instead, plan on a very playful, loving and exciting form of sexual fantasy play. You'll be able to allow each other to experience yourselves mentally, emotionally and physically in new and unusual ways. True bondage and discipline, along with domination and submission, is about respect for each other's sexual and emotional boundaries and never about hurting your lover. Indeed, couples who engage in these forms of sex play report that their relationships, and their ability to communicate more effectively, are often enhanced, both in and out of the bedroom.
Sounds to me like your husband is in for quite a surprise once you begin sharing all of the sexy ideas that you have in mind! But first, you'll need to identify and move through whatever is causing his present lethargy. A lack of sexual desire is often an unwanted side-effect of mental or physical illness, and your patience and understanding in helping him to overcome this present challenge will be rewarded in time. Again, I urge you to have him visit his doctor soon, and then be patient with him until he gets back to his old self. Then by all means, go ahead, let loose and let him have it. My sense is that you'll both be glad when you do.
Best, Dr. Michael
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