How Do We Break Our Argument Pattern?
My partner and I have been together for four years. We're moving in together this weekend, and I am looking forward to it. However, lately, between renovating, packing and working, we've been cranky, tired and stressed. I realize that's understandable, but what bothers me is that we've had three arguments in the last two days ‑- all about trivial matters ‑- and each time the same pattern emerges: I ask something simple, and my partner either doesn't quite catch what I mean or turns it into something more complicated, often incorporating other issues. I try to bring him back to my original question, but that makes him frustrated because he thinks he's already addressed it. All I want is a direct answer to my original question, and I feel ignored when he won't give me one. How can we learn to avoid this argument pattern?
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ABOUT THE EXPERT
Brenda Shoshanna
Dr. Shoshanna is a psychologist, therapist and certified divorce and family mediator. She has written five books, including Zen and the... Read more
The three arguments you've had in the last two days were most likely activated by all of these emotions. When you ask something and he brings up other issues, that's because other issues are on his mind. So rather than trying to pull him back to your question, take a deep breath and take the time to really listen to what he's saying. Let go of your personal agenda and give him the attention he seems to require. The basis of all good relationships is the ability to communicate effectively. This means learning how to listen, in addition to expressing your needs. When people feel genuinely heard, they experience it not only as being understood, but as being loved.
If he goes off on various tangents, it's his way of letting you know what is going on inside his head. Especially during this sensitive time, hear him out. Let him know you're listening. Discuss the issues he raises. Then go back to your question. Once he expresses himself and feels understood, he'll be much more able to give you the answer you're looking for. Answer:
