Children can be traumatized by the tragic events they see reported on the news. There are, however, ways parents can help their children respond that build their maturity and resilience. Here, child psychologist Robert Schwebel offers his advice on how we can expand our children's understanding of events, validate their feelings, give them extra reassurance and help them learn to cope with the risks and dangers of life. Plus, iVillagers share how they help their own children develop a sense of security.
1. Make sure you feel safe. Anxious parents make anxious children. The best way to help your children feel secure in the face of upsetting event is to be a parent who feels secure. If you are too anxious about things, work on your own issues and try to calm yourself down.
2. Be careful what you watch on television when children are close by. Parents who watch TV news or talk shows while their kids are in eye or earshot are providing much more exposure to the media than they might imagine. Even if your children are in the next room and not in front of the TV, be aware that they can -- and will -- pick up on what you're watching. Relying on print or online news sources gives you more control over a child's exposure.
3. Make sure that children feel safe. They should have an unequivocal sense of safety. We should be able to say: "You are safe." Little children need total, utter reassurance that we are protecting them. As children get older, they will raise questions about safety. We should be able to say: "The risks are so small, that I am certain you are safe." A child may ask, "What about terrorism?" We can answer: "The chance of our family being affected by terrorism is so tiny that we don't have to worry about it. There may be another terrorist attack, but this is a huge country with millions and millions of people. We can feel safe." Parents can further elaborate on risk: "Look, some people die in airplane or car crashes. We still fly because it is so safe and the chances of being in an accident are so tiny. We still drive our car. People get hit by lightning. But it is very, very rare. Plus we take precautions when it is needed, such as wearing seat belts and not getting under trees when there is a lightning storm.
4. Find out what your children are thinking. Parents can casually ask their children what they have heard and what they think about news stories. For example, a parent could say, "I noticed you reading the newspaper headline about the kidnapping (or, I know you saw a news bulletin on TV about a kidnapping). What do you think about it?"
5. Let your children guide you about what information they want. Let them ask questions. Answer all their questions. Do it in a reassuring and age-appropriate way. Children are your guides about how far to go. They will ask questions until they are satisfied with the information they have acquired.
6. Find out what your children are feeling. If needed, offer some prompting. For example, ask your child, "Does this scare you at all? Has it made you nervous? Or, have you barely noticed it?"
7. Validate and be responsive to feelings. When your children express a sense of sadness, fear or worry in face of an event, acknowledge their emotions in a way that does not compound their fears. For example, tell them, "I can see why you would be sad about this. It really is sad. I can see why you would be scared, too. It is a scary thing to happen."
8. Give lots of added support and comfort, plus reassurance about safety. Children may need extra hugs, or a few extra reassuring statements about the current news stories.
9. Be aware of the messages you send them as you comfort them. When there is a particularly scary news report and your child is shaken, she may want to curl up in bed with you at night. You might want to offer a little extra cuddle time. If your child does not typically sleep in your room, she may even ask, "Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" On a single evening, an exception could be made. But if you start a new habit, you may send the wrong message -- that the world is unsafe and the stress is too much for the child to handle. We really must be aware of the hidden messages we would be sending and weigh them against the temporary security we would be providing. In general, I think it is better to empower children by saying, "You are safe and will be fine in your own room."
