How to Meet a Mate

iVillagers chat with Robin Gorman Newman, author of How to Meet a Mensch in New York

Cmtdarden: Meet Robin Gorman Newman, author of How to Meet a Mensch in New York. She is currently at work on a new advice book for singles.
Robingnewman: Any questions? Has anybody read or heard of my book?
faeriegirl_lucky: I've been dating the same person for three years and I keep waiting for him to get to the next level. How long should I wait before I give up? I don't think I can take much more waiting.
Robingnewman: Do you want it to go beyond dating? Are you waiting for him to rise to the occasion?
faeriegirl_lucky: I want to progress beyond being the "girlfriend." I feel like I'll be waiting forever. I don't know at what point I should move on. It's so difficult.
Robingnewman: How old are you? And how old is he?
faeriegirl_lucky: I'm 24. He is 26.
Robingnewman: Age-wise you have more time, however, three years is a long time to be with a person and not get anywhere. Don't be exclusive anymore. Also you need to consider what the issues are. Is there a reason why your boyfriend won't commit? Or is he just not ready? It's not your job to wait forever.
faeriegirl_lucky: I don't want to make him think I'm pressuring him.
Robingnewman: It's not a question of pressuring, how long can you live with dating someone knowing it might go nowhere?
karenwho9: I'm dying to ask my dentist out, but with that "professional detachment" thing and whatever medical oath they take, would that be a huge mistake? Beyond being a babe, he's also a great dentist and I'd hate to have to switch.
Robingnewman: It is a lot easier to find a new dentist than to find a great guy, so go for it! Do you think he has an interest in you?
bigbyrd3: What is a mensch?
Robingnewman: A mensch is a decent responsible person, man or woman. A mensch is good marriage material.
bigbyrd3: Thanks Robin.

iVillagers chat with Robin Gorman Newman, author of How to Meet a Mensch in New York

Bellabambina: Robin, my ex-fiance and I broke up recently. I am seven months pregnant and I know I do not love him. Do you think this will change after the baby is born?
Robingnewman: No, if you don't love him now, I can't imagine how that will change. Will he be in your life because of the baby?
Bellabambina: No, only if I take him back.
Robingnewman: I think that being seven months pregnant isn't the time to start over, your focus should be preparing for motherhood. Once you have that under control, then your priorities can change. Give yourself some time.
Bellabambina: I am so ready for that, but I am very afraid of doing it alone.
Robingnewman: It sounds like you deserve better and you don't want your baby to be a part of an unhappy marriage.
kfarm698: I married my first husband because I had his baby. I knew I didn't love him at the time, but did it anyway to make my mother happy. We are now divorced and I am much happier now.
Robingnewman: If you don't love somebody and you marry for the wrong reasons, it is as if you are alone. You are better off being on your own and truly giving yourself the chance to meet the partner you are meant to have.
Bellabambina: I want someone to share it with. It is depressing to rub my own belly at night. No one has felt her move or seen the ultrasound, I am the only one who has heard her heart beat....
robingnewman: What about family members and close friends?
Bellabambina: None, I move around too much. I am completely alone for now.
Robingnewman: What about joining a support group for single moms?
bellabambina: The ex says he doesn't want anything to do with us unless it is as a family. There are no groups like that here, I looked.
Robingnewman: What about on the Internet?
Bellabambina: The Internet is fine for chat, but I want something solid.
Robingnewman: This is a personal time for you to do some reflecting. Perhaps you are meant to be alone now to grow stronger and get in touch with your own needs. Everything happens for a reason.
Bellabambina: I mean solid in the sense of hugging someone when I am down. I have Internet friends, they are my best friends actually, but it isn't the same.
cjst32: It is better to be alone for the right reason than with someone for the wrong one!
Robingnewman: Next question? And best of luck, bella.

Crystalmouse: How do you know for sure when you've found Mr. Right after being in abusive relationships all your life?
Robingnewman: You shouldn't have to think twice about it. How long have you known this person?
Crystalmouse: A few months
Robingnewman: That's not long, but you should trust your instincts and if it feels right, continue to pursue it.
Crystalmouse: But it seems like when I think I have found Mr. Right he turns out to be Mr. Wrong
Robingnewman: Time will tell. That's the only way. And you can put him to the test by seeing if he will go out of his way for you, making certain small demands to see if he is willing to put you first and if he doesn't treat you right, get out immediately. Good luck!
Crystalmouse: Thanks, Robin.
faeriegirl_lucky: Robin, I really feel that I have met my ideal partner in this person. Everyone loves him. I can't imagine my life without him. What I'm wondering is how to speed things up a little -- turn up the heat just enough so that he'll know I need a real commitment. I've heard you should never give a guy ultimatums, but I'm getting close to doing that.
Robingnewman: Sometimes ultimatums are needed. Men sometimes need a kick in the pants.
cjst32: Can you tell us a little about your book and your background -- structure of book, key points, etc.
Robingnewman: Yes, the book is guide for singles listing over 300 socializing activities (from cultural events to sports to travel) with anecdotes from singles and stories based on my own personal experiences. I have been married almost seven years to a mensch. I have lectured extensively to singles, done many press interviews, including The Today Show and I also do personal consultations on the phone or in person as a love coach. And most importantly, I am a survivor of the singles scene!

karenwho99: Okay, I should ask the dentist out. Now, exactly how would I do that? I don't want to frighten him by being too bold, and I have no prior experience in being the "asker" rather than the "askee."
Robingnewman: Do you feel that he is interested in you? Or do you fear rejection? If you were confident or willing to take the chance, then I would suggest starting by trying to start a more personal conversation with him and then propose to continue it....
karenwho99: Rejection is a BIG fear. Also, I really like our office chats; I REALLY don't want to find another dentist.
Robingnewman: You mean talking on the phone? Do you have any sense that he is interested in you? Do you think he would be shocked by your proposal? Have you flirted with him at all?
karenwho99: I've been flirting my brains out. Maybe I'm just not very good at it?
Robingnewman: Has he picked up on your flirting?
karenwho99: He seems to, but then always pulls back a little. I'm WAY confused.
Robingnewman: Do you know that he is eligible? Even if he is not married, he might have a girlfriend. Do you ever ask him about his weekend?
karenwho99: Yes, and he has never once mentioned any significant other. He talks about his brother, dad, nephew, mom, but no girlfriend.
robingnewman: Do you know anyone who knows him on a more personal level? It sounds like you talk to him a lot. Do you know what he likes to do?
karenwho99: He's is pretty athletic (I'm healthy, but no player). We have one mutual friend who has moved out of state.
Robingnewman: Can you invite him to a party and be up front about the dentist-patient issues, and let him know you would get a new dentist to have him in your life on a personal level?
karenwho99: Thanks you all for your advice. I think I'm just going to have to bite the bullet (oh, no, not more dental work) and just ask him.
cjst32: Is it harder to find someone in New York?
Robingnewman: New York has many options, but it is a challenge to connect -- people are more guarded, more stressed and sometimes less approachable. The key is to be socially strategic.
karenwho99: Socially strategic?
Robingnewman: Put yourself where you will find the lots of men -- like pursuing sports or outdoorsy activities. Thank you all for coming I hope my advice was helpful. I hope you will check out my book How to Meet a Mensch in New York. (Good outside New York too!) and if you are interested in a personal consultation, drop me a line at I wish you all the best with your love lives!

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