How to Retrain Your Lover

Step 2: Get His Attention

Okay, I admit it: We men need your help to please you sexually. Truth is, without a woman's guidance, we men tend to stay diamonds in the rough forever. Some men boast about already being ''trained,'' but what they mean is that they've been able to pleasure other women in the past (or so they think) and, therefore, they're confident they know what pleases you, too.

But how exactly do you go about getting what you want from your lover? After all, with our delicate egos -- especially when it comes to bedroom ''sports'' -- training your man can seem like a job too formidable for even the bravest, most assertive woman to accomplish in a lifetime. Never fear. This workshop will help you get the best and the most from any lover -- long-term or short-term -- with ease and confidence.

Before we go any further, you need to first accept that training men to understand your desires is your responsibility. The longer you resist this fact, the longer it will take you to attain sexual satisfaction. Now that you understand that it's up to you to inspire the best lovemaking and romancing from your partner, here's the ironic part: Once men experience a little success, we tend to take all the credit for it. My advice -- let us! As long as you're getting what you want and need, who cares whose idea it was? You'll get a lot more loving by letting us be heroes with ''our'' ideas!

As you follow this workshop, be sure to go in order, and don't omit any of the steps. You'll find that the steps for retraining your lover can be used outside the bedroom as well. In fact, these workshop strategies can help you get what you want and need in other areas of your personal life.

Okay, you're ready to start. What's the first step? Getting his attention, of course. Attention is that connection between the two of you that you can feel -- and it feels good. When he's paying attention, his mind, body and spirit are all focused on one thing: you. He may be paying attention to your mind, your body, your emotional desires, your sexual pleasures, your needs, your worries, your career, your future, your family, your clothes, your dreams and so on. Obviously, you want to feel this connection in all the areas you desire. In this workshop, we'll be focusing primarily on getting him to pay attention and making that connection on the sexual pleasure front.

Next page: When's the best time to grab his attention? Find out.



Resorting to basic biology, the best way to get his attention for your sexual wishes (and other things too, by the way) may be when you are both naked in bed. But there may be better times, too, depending on your partner. Is he more receptive earlier in the day? Fresher right after his workout? Watch for his most receptive times and avoid those times when he's apt to be distracted or not as open to listening to you.

Keep in mind that you can grab his attention in person or when the two of you are apart. For example, would you capture his attention if he found your lace panties in his briefcase or suitcase? How would he react to a sensual bubble bath? Remember in Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts greets Richard Gere with nothing on but his new necktie? It's time to get creative! Perhaps you'd like to offer him an evening of pleasure with no obligation to give back to you. If that sounds contrary to what you're trying to accomplish, remember that ''give what you want to get'' is a timeless tip for getting whatever it is you want more of.

Practice getting and holding his attention for any and all of your desires -- both in and out of the boudoir. How long can you stay in the ''connection zone''? Now, the goal is to feel that connection as often as you can and whatever the cause, be it a lingering glance, weekend away or day spent together in the park. Understanding, experiencing and feeling good about this connection outside the bedroom is what builds intimacy, safety and willingness to fulfill your sexual desires inside the bedroom. For all couples, the bedroom is a vulnerable place. Practicing outside can help you strengthen confidence and trust inside.

For this lesson, keep it short and sweet and often -- it's the ''how'' you'll be perfecting. See how long you can keep his attention and keep it fun. For those of you dealing with over-eager sex drives, try flirting more and taking more time with foreplay. When he gets too hot, just ask him if he wants a glass of wine or maybe a shower together. Surprise him and yourself. Experiment with all of the senses to get and keep his attention -- smell, sight, sound, taste, touch and the mind, the most intense one of all.

Your other critical ''assignment'' is to ponder what exactly it is you do want for a happy life, especially your sex life. For many women, expressing what you really want is very difficult. Likewise, it's important that you feel deserving enough not to settle until you succeed. So, please, invest in yourself and consider what you really, really, really want from a man. Don't stop thinking until you have a thorough list (if you change it along the way, that's okay).

The next step in retraining your lover -- acknowledging his greatness!

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