What do you do with "decades of bad dates," a sense of humor and some serious frustration with the opposite sex? If you're Muara Johnston and Erica Dankoff, you pour out your feelings into dozens of hilarious -- but never mailed -- letters to your exes and include 'em all in a new book called Kiss-Off Letters to Men. If you're having trouble getting through a dating disaster of your own, check out two of their sassiest suggestions for letter therapy that works.
Dear Uncultured Slob,
After the movie last night I asked your opinion and your very intellectual response was "it sucked." I hardly think that's an appropriate review for Casablanca. Few good movies contain martial arts, androids, or Pamela Anderson. It seems to me a little more thought could have gone into your answer. Then again, it was par for the course. Every time we attend any cultural event or discuss literature, poetry, or art your response is the same. Just a note for you: On the list of the worlds' great museums you won't find the National Football League Hall of Fame.
I now realize you don't appreciate art because you just don't get it. That's okay: I'd be happy to enlighten you. But your inability to confess your ignorance is even more annoying than the machismo you think you project. You just sound stupid. Then again, maybe you are.
I can recommend some books on aesthetics or even a community college course, but the first step to your cultural awakening is admitting you have no class.
Off to the ballet,
Ready for another letter? Don't miss Dear Cheapskate...
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I appreciate your desire to be frugal but you give new meaning to the word cheap.
I'm not some ninety-nine-cent ditz. Don't think I haven't realized you only call me on five-cent Sundays, or that you only send me e-mails from the computer at work? Do you realize we have never been to a regular movie? We only attend the matinees. Then there's dinner, a.k.a. the early bird special with all the blue-hairs. You spend way too much time shopping at yard sales, thrift stores, and flea markets looking for your next big bargain.
Then there are the coupons. PLEASE get a life! Never have I seen anyone study the weekend coupon inserts like you do. We have to drive forty-five minutes to the supermarket that has "double coupon day" so you can save an extra fifteen cents on a roll of paper towels! (I almost forgot about the half-hour trek to the gas station that has five cents off on Tuesdays.)
Well, mister, you're not going to find a custom-made girl like me on the clearance rack. Start treating me like I'm worth something. For starters, the next time you buy me a gift make sure you take the sale price off. Otherwise this tag sale is over and you ain't going home with the goods.
Worth the investment,
Excerpted from Kiss-Off Letters to Men. Copyright © 1999, 2001 by Erica Dankoff and Muara Johnston. Used with permission of Crown Publishers, a division of Random House, Inc.