How to Write a "Kiss Off" Letter to Mr. Wrong

Dear Cheapskate,

I appreciate your desire to be frugal but you give new meaning to the word cheap.

I'm not some ninety-nine-cent ditz. Don't think I haven't realized you only call me on five-cent Sundays, or that you only send me e-mails from the computer at work? Do you realize we have never been to a regular movie? We only attend the matinees. Then there's dinner, a.k.a. the early bird special with all the blue-hairs. You spend way too much time shopping at yard sales, thrift stores, and flea markets looking for your next big bargain.

Then there are the coupons. PLEASE get a life! Never have I seen anyone study the weekend coupon inserts like you do. We have to drive forty-five minutes to the supermarket that has "double coupon day" so you can save an extra fifteen cents on a roll of paper towels! (I almost forgot about the half-hour trek to the gas station that has five cents off on Tuesdays.)

Well, mister, you're not going to find a custom-made girl like me on the clearance rack. Start treating me like I'm worth something. For starters, the next time you buy me a gift make sure you take the sale price off. Otherwise this tag sale is over and you ain't going home with the goods.

Worth the investment,

Excerpted from Kiss-Off Letters to Men. Copyright © 1999, 2001 by Erica Dankoff and Muara Johnston. Used with permission of Crown Publishers, a division of Random House, Inc

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