I Heart Butter Porn

Do y’all know-uh who Powl-a Deen ee-iz? She’s the silver-haired, everyone’s-mamma host on the Food Network with a sweet-as-maple-syrup Southern drawl and a penchant for adding butter to everything she cooks, from fresh strawberries to Snickers bars. The woman eats it by the spoonful, probably quaffs the melted stuff like fine consommé, and would spread it on a stick of gum if given the opportunity. I turned her on while working out on the Elliptical yesterday and her promise to use “a pound and a half of butter” in 30 minutes promptly turned me off…yet I felt compelled to keep watching. Paula's cholesterol-soaked recipes lured me in, if for nothing else than the bizarre food porn-like quality an enormous, coffin-sized brick of butter, carried in by four “Butter Wranglers” offers.  (PS a Butter Wrangler is a hot, heavily muscled man wearing a black tee shirt and jeans who submits to each and every of Paula’s buttery whims, from feeding her by hand to presenting her with a gigantic butter bust in her likeness, which literally brought her to tears. Where were these men during my Bat Mitzvah? Surely a massive Leslie butter bust hoisted above the heads of some soap opera stand-ins would have done more for my 13-year-old street cred than a caricature artist and a taco pizza bar.)

There was a butter taste test and a recipe for one of the most bastardized foodstuffs I’ve ever heard of - Fried Butter Balls (Recipe here. I take no responsibility for any strokes which may ensue.) It was a huge, animal-fatty calamity. And I could not look away.

During the taste test, this woman consumed more butter than I have had in the past six months – in approximately four minutes. There was American butter and Danish butter and margarine, butter’s ugly step-cousin which she could ID by sight and refused to consume, despite the fact that a gorgeous Butter Wrangler was spreading the stuff on a miniature piece of bread and letting her lick, nibble and eat her way around his bulging arm. It was, all at once, horrific, disgusting and yet alluring in the way a solar eclipse or a car crash is: I HAD to watch. I could not turn away. She had me at “ooey gooey chocolate butter cake.”

I think this food writer put it perfectly when she summarized:

“Now she is trying different kinds of butter in a "blind" taste test, and one of the wranglers is buttering her muffins for her. Not only is she making innuendo galore, but when he hands her the small muffin with butter on it, she wraps her hands around his hand, and pulls it to her, and THEN the woman just kissed/nipped/licked her way up the man's forearm. I love this woman. I wanna be her when I grow up.”

PS Shall we take bets on this lovely lady’s lifespan? Because I’ll lay ten-to-one odds that she outlives all of us who eschew solid animal fat and eat salmon and olive oil and almonds and blueberries every day. That’s just how life goes.

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