You know how some guys are "boob guys," and others are "butt guys?" Well, I've never considered myself to be the kind of gal who appeals to the boob-guy population. Not that there's anything wrong with my breasts ‑- in fact, I'm quite fond of them, but let's just say they're no match for what Pamela Anderson's got up top.
So when I was propositioned to give Bodyperks' nipple enhancers a try, I thought it would be interesting to see if my boobs (or rather, my fiercely erect nipples) got some second glances. Plus, if nothing else, the whole concept of wearing fake nipples seemed like a funny story just waiting to happen.
You might remember the episode of Sex and the City where Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) and Samantha (Kim Cattrall) each donned a pair, and received many a sideways glance ‑- not to mention plenty of extra male attention. Yet I couldn't help but wonder what would happen if a real girl like me test-drove the silicone stickies.
I decided to give the nipples their initial test drive at my roommate's birthday party. I stuck my "Perky in Pink" enhancers over the real deals and chose a skin-tight, black strapless shirt to go over my new "accessories." If I was going to show them off, I figured, I might as well really show them off! I felt like I was doing something naughty.
I walked into the bar, nipples blazing, to find that the space was dark and crowded ‑- not exactly fake-nipple-friendly conditions. The sideways glances were nowhere to be found! But contrary to what I had expected, the nipples did stay put.
After receiving a few stares (finally!) on the well-lit subway later that night, I realized I was going to have to do something drastic if I wanted to see some serious reactions to these bad boys.
Several nights later, I met some of my friends for drinks at a reputed "collars-up, preppy bar" on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Wearing a thin, light pink long-sleeved tee, I chose to stick the nipples over my bra this time, as opposed to inside as the directions suggested. I was on a mission to stand out. And when I walked in, it seemed like everyone took notice. I could hear some whispers from women and men alike as they alerted their friends to my high beams. For the first time, I could feel men noticing my breasts before the rest of my body ‑- which for me was a strange phenomenon.
But as another hour passed, the hushed comments dwindled ‑- and I began to wonder if the novelty had worn off. I finally pulled one of my guy friends aside and asked him if he noticed anything unusual about me. "Well," he said, "your nipples are incredibly erect. I've been staring at them all night but just figured you weren't wearing a bra." Good, I thought; at least the nipples really were getting some recognition.
As the evening wound down, I decided to fess up about my faux nipples to my group of friends. That's when the women around me felt compelled to comment.. "Eww, that's disgusting," one said. "You look like a prostitute." Their harshness came as a surprise at first, but then I realized that if the situation were reversed, I would have had a similar reaction to such an overt display of sexuality. Generally speaking, we women never like the girl who garners the most male attention.
And although the men admitted to being totally turned on by the nipples at first, once they found out they were fake, they lost interest and begged me to take them off. Apparently, wearing fake nipples is similar to stuffing your bra with Kleenex and trying to pass yourself off as having double Ds.
I ended up losing my pair of Bodyperks by the end of the night (probably because the decision to wear them over my bra did little to guarantee that they'd stay in place). But I'd like to think that the bartender had a good laugh when he found them decorating his floor after closing time.
As for me, I did get quite a kick out of the things. Despite the harsh reactions I received, they did make me feel sexy in a whole new way, just as the box says. I don't think I'd make them a part of my regular wardrobe, but I definitely enjoyed the extra attention ‑- as well as the sheer hilarity of the unusual accessories.
For more information on Bodyperks nipple enhancers ($19.96), visit Sediva.com.