If 'The Bachelorette' Contestants Were Women

What life in the house could have been like

Last night, The Bachelorette cutie Ali Fedotowsky made her husband-to-be wishes known (don’t worry, we won’t spoil it). After whittling down a mini armada of 20- and 30-somethings vying for her heart, she left the two-month show with a massive Neil Lane rock on her ring finger, a fabulous ABC-provided wardrobe and a solid 15 minutes of fame.

As the show progressed, the 25 bachelors lived together, first in New York, then later travelling to Iceland, Portugal and Bora Bora. And while the men had their spats and altercations, the drama was nothing compared to the hell I would imagine that is living under one roof with two dozen women hell-bent on landing a man. Where was the subclinical bulimia? The constant scrutiny of thighs in the mirror? The padded bras and Spanx?

The only time viewers even got a whiff of a wilting body image was when Ali ambushed the men on a Malibu beach with the news that they would be posing in bathing suits for a sexy calendar -- right then. Jonathan, akaThe Weatherman, was more of less freaking out when confronted with the itsy bitsy Speedo that had been selected for him. Fellow bachelor Steve tried to calm him down, promising him that he had "great legs and a great ass," but nothing could quell his manhood anixiety. (He confessed to the camera that he "didn't have a huge [motioned to groin]. The forecast of the day is 100 percent chance that my crotch will show.” 

If the contestants had all been of the XX variety, and had the same societal pressure as women do to conform to a single standard of beauty, I can assure you the experience would have been far more body-centric. Some possibilities:

-Roberto would have been scorned by the other men who were jealous that, simply because of his Latino heritage, it was "OK" for him to carry a little more weight in his hips and butt. "If that were me," Hunter would snipe to camera, "I’d be considered fat. But because he’s Hispanic, he’s considered 'curvy.' It’s so not fair!"

-When Tyler M. refused to remove the towel wrapped around his waist while lying out at the pool, Tyler V. would have staged an intervention, sitting him down in a safe space in the house with a few of the other bachelors and explaining that people love him for what’s on the inside.

-The skinnier guys in the house would have banded together to sabotage the muscle heads by secretly replacing their protein powder with Slim Fast and pouring oil into their I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray. “OMG, they’re going to get so fat!” Kirk would snicker under his breath. "Yeah," Derrick would add, “Hello, Muffin Top!”

An entire episode would have revolved around contestant Justin "Rated-R" Rego’s manorexic focus on his eight-pack.

-All beer in the house would have been MGD 64. Diet tonic and lite cranberry juice would have been the only mixers allowed.

-Kasey would not have gotten a rose tattooed on his wrist; rather, his plotline would have revolved around his tendency to self-injure as a way to make himself feel something other than emotional pain fueled by constantly comparing himself to the models in Men’s Health magazine. During the After the Rose follow-up ceremony, however, viewers would be treated to bandaged and healed Kasey, who is now volunteering with puppy mill rescue dogs as a means of empowering himself and funneling his energies into something positive.

-All 25 men would have noticed their bowel movement cycles synched up from all the hormones floating through the house, leading to chaotic bathroom meltdowns and at least one house meeting where it would be decided that only one box of Fiber One Oats and Chocolate bars would be allowed in the kitchen per week.

Did you catch the last episode of The Bachelorette?  Which guy would you have picked?  Chime in below.

Love this? Read these:
- The Bachelorette Finale: Ali Picks Roberto
- 8 Body-Image Lessons We Learned from TV and the Movies
Be Happy, Not Perfect
5-Minute Body Image Boosters

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