Inside Heidi & Spencer's Secret Wedding!

I knew it was too good to be true --  that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt could possibly run off and elope, without a bunch of hired tabloid photographers to take photos of every single moment.

And there they are -- Mr. & Mrs. Pratt on the cover of the new Us Weekly.

I'm sure the mag paid them a pretty penny for the exclusive details and pics -- and all of a sudden everything feels right in the world again.

If you haven't digested your breakfast yet you may want to stop reading here, but let me enlighten you with what Spencer said at the altar, during their quaint little wedding in Cabo.

"Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you," he slithered. "You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I'm honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always."

He literally sends shivers down my spine -- and not in a good way.

As for Heidi's fam -- they hate Spencer, too. 

"I called her right before the ceremony," Heidi said of her mom, "Sort of hinted that something that happened, but her reaction was to ask me if we were breaking up! I told her it might be something else, and she said, 'Well, if you ever plan on getting married just know that your stepdad is really upset that you want your father to walk you down the aisle,'"

"She was starting so much drama, it kind of pushed me toward wanting to get married without that," she adds. "I don't know when I'll tell her."

Um, I don't think that is an issue any longer, brain surgeon.

Ugh! I can't.

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