"And you thought your parents were embarrassing." That's the slogan for the
film Meet the Fockers. Movies and books make it seem like the challenge of
bringing a new beau home is in getting your parents to approve of your boyfriend. But the
real challenge is in getting your boyfriend to like your parents
‑- not to mention the rest of your crazy clan. Will your family's eccentricities
scare your new man away? Not with the help of our old friend: damage control.
Pre-Meeting Maneuvers
Your first move should be to give careful thought to whether you really want to bring
together these potentially combustible forces. Says dating expert April Masini
(www.askapril.com), "Introducing your boyfriend to your family for the first time is a
major step that announces, 'We're serious,' as in marriage or a long-term committed
relationship." Are you really ready for that?
If you answered yes, that your relationship is grounded, not fly-by-night, then bringing
him home is inevitable, and we shift into phase two: Plan now, suffer less later. Not
only do you need to prepare yourself emotionally, you also need to guide your guy, as
well as your family, when it comes to the best things to do and say ‑- and to avoid
‑- on the big day. Tina Tessina, LMFT, PhD and author of The Unofficial Guide
to Dating Again, adds, "Find out his expectations beforehand and share yours." And
don't forget to (diplomatically) suggest that your guy bring a hostess gift ‑-
always a big step toward a positive first impression. Who knew a fruit basket could carry
so much weight?
Quirks Are Us
Let's just say your little brother is a relentless practical joker (frogs down shirts,
whoopie cushions on chairs) and your father dislikes anyone who doesn't whip out the
pom-poms for his favorite sports team. These are factoids about your lovely family that
should be shared with your man ahead of time, not withheld from him. Just tell it like it
is.
That means not keeping him in the dark about wacky family traditions. Lori Goggan, a
24-year-old account executive, learned this the hard way. When she brought her boyfriend
to her parents' house on Halloween night, the couple were handed "seasonal" pants to
change into. "It was game night," Lori recalls. "Not only were we expected to play
Pictionary, we had to wear special team uniforms." Luckily, the boyfriend in question was
a good sport, which won him points with both Lori and her family. And best of all? "Our
team won," Lori says proudly.
Lay Down the Law
When the latest Bachelor brought his top two contenders home to meet the
folks, a major reason the meetings were such perfectly cringe-worthy television is
because he didn't say a thing to his parents beforehand about how to behave. TV producers
live to showcase the awkward moments ‑- but good ratings are no reason for
you to up the anxiety quotient.
Clearly you want to lay down a no-drinking rule to a parent with tipsy tendencies. Same
goes for recommending that the folks clear a little space in your brother's
trophy-crammed room so your boyfriend can at least unpack his suitcase. Tess Marshall,
psychologist and author of Flying by the Seat of My Soul, strongly suggests
telling your parents which subjects are off-limits. "You don't want your mom going on and
on about how much she loved your ex, and how heartbroken you were when he dumped you two
weeks before the wedding. Likewise, stay off hot-button subjects like politics, sex and
religion."
Another wise move: Alert your parents beforehand if your boyfriend's values or lifestyle
don't conform to their expectations. Jean Schmidt, a 32-year-old options trader, recalls
wryly, "I forgot to mention to my father, who is very traditional in outlook, not to make
a big deal about my boyfriend being a standup comic. The first words out of Dad's mouth
to Greg were, 'So how is a starving artist like you going to support my daughter? Are you
going to get a real job?'" Jean adds, "I only got Greg to agree to a return visit after
he was booked on Conan, so he could prove he wasn't a failure!"
Psych Yourself Up
It's likely the scenarios you're imagining in your head are far more disastrous than the
actual event will be ‑- remember, this isn't a big-budget movie and your beau isn't
Ben Stiller at his all-out wackiest. So try to stay calm. Tess Marshall suggests
visualizing the meeting going well. See your guy arriving and everyone sitting down to
eat, laughing, talking. Once you can imagine the meeting being a bearable, even fun
event, you might actually start looking forward to the get-together. (That's called
seeing the glass as half full, folks.) And if you're the type who needs to verbally
share, then pay attention to April Masini's tip: "Tell your boyfriend ‑- or, better
yet, someone who won't be part of the event, like a girlfriend ‑- what your fears
are. Get them all out. Everything. Once you talk it through, the big scary fears can be
deflated." If you do tell your guy, beware of an unintentional side effect: Sarah Foules
found that talking to her boyfriend made the thought of his upcoming visit much more
tolerable. But as a side effect, the 32-year-old nurse began dreading her eventual
meeting with his family. "Listening to him talk about his family made me feel my
war stories were no big deal. His parents sounded like a total nightmare!"
In the end, when the meeting is over and your family has managed not to humiliate you
too badly, your boyfriend will still love you. After all, he's dating you ‑- not
your sister, your Aunt Sally or your mother. And if he wishes he were dating your mother,
well, that's another article. All of that said, don't feel compelled to apologize for
your family. They may be a bit strange, but they're still your flesh and blood ‑-
so acting ashamed of them really doesn't reflect well on anyone, including you.
