Uncle Barky: Joan Rivers Opens Her Mouth

Note from Beth: Once again, we've got a TV Cocktail contribution from, Ed Bark, otherwise known as Uncle Barky, who chimed in last week on We's Hair Trauma. Shutting Joan Rivers' mouth may be a nigh impossible engineering feat. It's hard to even imagine it in that state. Rivers without her yapper would be Niagra Falls reduced to a trickle-down drip. She is what she is -- a voice box amid constantly changing surroundings. You can nip and tuck her, but you can't zip those lips. Best known these days as a red carpet fixture, Rivers, 73, gets back to where she still belongs as the leadoff hitter on Bravo's Funny Girls, a new series of standup specials premiering Tuesday night, Oct. 24 (9 central, 10 eastern). Her contribution, subtitled "Joan Rivers: Before Melissa Pulls the Plug," is a bawdy, frequently bleeped attack on just about every sensibility known to humankind. She hates, in no particular order, old people, ugly people, the Olsen twins, vegans, kids, love, the Clintons (and their "ugly daughter Celery"), the Bushes and, to a certain degree, herself. "I use my left boob now as a stopper in my tub," she tells a mostly receptive crowd at the Orpheum Theatre in Los Angeles. And her dates are getting so ancient that "one guy gave me a hickey, left his teeth in my neck." In a teleconference tied to the special, Rivers says she's had to change her act or be irrelevant. "I ratchet it up because comedy is ratcheted up. The times are so rough." The special was taped before Mel Gibson's infamous drunken tirade against Jews.

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