A typical break-up diet usually veers in one of two very different directions: We either lose our appetite and just guzzle vodka straight from the bottle to numb our pain, or we gorge ourselves on bacon-stuffed potato skins and Whoopie Pies to stuff down the tears. Neither way of coping is especially healthy, both are bad for your soul and both are destined to end with an uncomfortable hangover.
Women get crapped on all the time for chubbing up, post-breakup. For example, Webster’s Is My Bitch defines Break Up Weight as:
(Noun) The unavoidable weight gain that comes with a several month-long timespan of crying into pint after pint of Ben & Jerry's.
And the accompanying picture shows a post-Ryan Reynolds break-up Alanis Morrisette.
Kate Gosselin recently caught flak for looking less than perfect in a bathing suit, too. In a “story” posted June 25, TMZ staff announced “Kate Gosselin Gets Rear-Ended: It's been three days since she filed for divorce from her husband, but Kate Gosselin has already gone two-pieces” atop a mildly unflattering picture of her backside in a bikini. (I hate to admit it, but that's some mighty creative wordplay there.)
Um, this is what my butt looks like in a bikini: Pretty trim but nonetheless sporting a fresh coat of cellulite. Actually, it’s not so fresh – it’s looked like this since I was a toddler. No matter how thin I’ve ever gotten, the top layer has never changed (if anything, I think it got worse when I was at my lowest weight. Oh, the irony.)
Need I remind the media, her stomach once looked like this? (And then like this. And now, thanks to a tummy tuck, it looks like this. So lay off her body.)
But now men are getting in on the action, too, staking their claim in the “I got dumped and all I have to show for it is this lousy Muffin Top” tee shirt category: Recently single celebrity dads Jon Gosselin, Kevin Federline and Brendan Fraser have been dubbed The Chubby Dad Club as a result of their recent post-breakup scale hikes.
A few reasons men would be prone to post-split chunk:
1. They’re no longer living with a woman (if they’re straight) and women tend to cook the meals…leaving them to fend for themselves at the McDonalds drive through.
2. They’re suddenly single and start partying more (hi Jon Gosselin!), which means empty calories from alcohol.
3. Stress causes cortisol levels to skyrocket, paving the way for belly fat.
4. They’re old ("These guys, when they are in a relationship for several years, are conscientious about how they eat, and they work out," notes Sasha Pasulka, founder of the Evil Beet Gossip Web site. "But when they break up and try to go back to their old bachelor life, they find out that they're not 25 anymore and their metabolism is not 25 either.")
Considering this blog was inspired by Zone Delivery USA, who rather ingeniously pitched me the idea of “Post break-up pounds? Try Zone Delivery!”, I now present you with their five tips to pass along to your exes who are looking to shed those extra pounds you caused them to pack on:
1. Don’t Starve Eat 5 small meals a day including a healthy and hearty breakfast.
2. Say No to Carbs Avoid potatoes, bread, rice and any starchy carbs—these are the worst enemy of weight loss.
3. Hit the Gym Exercise burns calories and release endorphins, helping to keep your spirits up, not your weight.
4. Stay Hydrated Instead of drinking soda or other sugary beverages, fill up on water—also, drink alcohol in moderation. It might help your mood on the short term, but it leads to bloat and empty calories, not to mention more poor eating choices.
5. Slow Down Eat slowly to allow your body to recognize the food that you’re eating and know when you’re full.
(Please note, I endorse all tips except #2.)