Last Try: Better Sex Or Else He's An Ex!
Dear Dr. Patti:
My ex and I have recently been talking and both admitted to being unsatisfied with foreplay and sex with each other. We've decided to give it one last chance. I need any and all suggestions. We want to make it kinky, romantic, fun and enjoyable for both of us. Anything that drives guys crazy, I want to hear. I also need to know some tips on how to relax myself; I'm too worried about doing everything right that I'm afraid I'm not getting into it myself as much as I should. I want to make this the most amazing night.
-- G
Dear G:
It's easy to talk about what was not working in bed once you and your man have broken up. If you could have had these honest conversations while the relationship was still active, you may have found the keys to its solution. For now, remember that this is your ex you are describing, so go forward with caution. Sex is probably only one of the issues between you that crashed your boat; look at what else was going on that damaged the relationship before you proceed into reconnecting with this man.
As for the sex: first, learn all you can. I always recommend that couples begin with honest talk about what works, what doesn't work and what each of you wants and needs. That's the foundation for going forward. Once that is clear, and that takes time and energy, then you begin with changing your patterns in bed. Your first step might be to obtain some of the erotic teaching videos, such as those by Nina Hartley, available at www.adameve.com. She is a bright, sexy and able teacher and former nurse who is able to articulate new sexual behaviors for couples to try. Her video series is available at www.adameve.com. Use them as guides for exploring new ways to sexually play with each other.
Next, I suggest that you watch some women-friendly erotic videos such as those from Candida Royalle (check out her site at www.royalle.com). In them you will find role models for sexually assertive women who can "talk dirty" with their men. That will give you some styles to try on as you develop your own. Finally, relax; this is done through letting go of your fears about doing it right, just going with the flow and knowing what's okay and not okay for your needs. Try to take deep breaths during your sexual time together, and be sure to say positive things to yourself so that you can enjoy whatever may happen.
